Something About Ref's Eyesight And Rondo/Allen's Skillset

Basically, just watch.

Quote of the Day

"I’ve never seen him play, though. I’ve never seen Hakeem play, never seen that move. I always do that move, and Kevin always tells me it’s the Dream Shake. To me, it’s the Rondo Shake." -- Rajon Rondo confirming everyone's suspicions that he has absolutely no sense of history. That may place him in good stead for The Finals, where Laker intimidation can be deadly (ask Boozer). But its worth remembering the greats, what they accomplished, and what basketball players can be. So, without further ado, here's one of my favorite players of all time discussing the Rondo Shake.

Now, About This Rockfight

Oh yeah, there's an NBA Finals to discuss. What's with calling it the Finals? And then having ABC use that elegant cursive scrawl at every commercial break? Is a Rockefeller getting married. Will there be beef Wellington served? Rasheed Wallace holds the record for technical fouls and Kobe Bryant once spent four million dollars on an "I'm Sorry I Raped a Coed" diamond, so I think we can forego the calligraphy. Five keys that WILL decide the series.

1. Paul Pierce vs. Ron Artest: In 2008, the Lakers had no one to guard Pierce, the Celtics most consistently phenomenal player, and he killed them. This year, the Lakers gambled on Artest just for this moment - his defensive skill set can only stop about four superstars in the league, and Pierce happens to be one of them. Remember how out of sorts the Durantula looked in game 6? Don't expect a great deal from Pierce. On the other end of the court, Artest hasn't had his transcendently awful game yet - he's playing within himself, calm, a role player on a team he feels can get him a ring. Pierce is the biggest agitator Boston has to offer...can he flop the monster out of Ron-Ron? This is the biggest difference between 2008 and 2010, and I have to say, advantage: Los Angeles. 

2. Big, Ugly Men: The Lakers have been swaddled their past 11 games (maybe the last 17), playing smaller, quicker teams that posed no physical obstacle to their tremendous size. They dodged Memet Okur, while Serge Ibaka and Brooke Lopez were not ready for the bright lights. Perkins might be one tech from a suspensions, but expect him to come hard at Pau Gasol, who certain Celtics have deemed "soft". Throw in Rasheed Wallace and what's left of Kevin Garnett, I don't see Odom and Bynum driving the baseline in the way they've become so accustomed to. Wallace is a less important version of Artest: he supplies Boston with six more fouls to give, and makes Gasol's job that much harder. Win or lose, the Celtics will keep th score down. Advantage: Boston

3. Rondo's Knees: Though I forgot about the pesky little doodlebug? He's been going hard to the basket for a month and a half now, willing this team to victory, and in game six, he fell a little too hard. Now he'll be matched up against Kobe, who'll be able to sit back, because we know Rajon can't hit the long ball. If Rondo isn't full health, the Laker defense can breathe a little easier, and bring help defenders elsewhere, possibly slowing down the onslaught that promises to be Ray Allen. On defense, a diminished Rondo will leave Kobe more clean lanes. On the other hand, I think Nate Robinson poses a huge problem to Kobe (or anyone else for that matter) if he gets on the court and gets hot. However, the Celtics do not want to get into a run and gun shootout, so they need their QB. As of right now, it's hard to see Rondo playing all out for the 6 or 7 games this series might go. Advantage: Los Angeles

4. Game 1, Traffic, and the Hellhole that is L.A.: This is more of an intangible factor, but this series tips off at 6 Pacific time Thursday afternoon. We know Jack will be there, but will anyone else? The 2-3-2 format is so hard on the visiting team, except if they find a way to steal Game 1. It's probably the strongest we'll see Garnett at any point in the series, and the Lakers will be adjusting to playing against a real defense for the first time in months. Combine that with the fact the crowd may get stuck in enough traffic / Sarah Jessica Parker Suicide gawking that they miss a good deal of the first quarter. If Phil Jackson wins game 1, he win, so Doc will have the wagons circled well in advance. This series could be over before it ever really begins, in the first 12 or 24 minutes if the Celtics come out hot. Advantage: Boston


5. Pressure. The Celtics took their foot off the gas for most of the season. They blew away the talentless Heat, the quitting Cavs, and a mismatched Orlando group. They let the Magic series go to 6 because of poor crunch-time shooting. Meanwhile, the Lakers have won many close games, 6 on the final shot by Kobe Bryant. The Celtics one weakness all year has been protecting a huge lead. What I'm saying is, this Boston team hasn't been tested with their back against the wall yet. They certainly will be in this series. And if #24 is pulling the trigger, advantage: Los Angeles

How to Pick Team #2

In response to the post below, "What We Root for When We Root for (or against) Another", I have to say this. Those elderly relations of the blogger who know John Updike personally aside, I say bullshit. No one picks the Celtics as their 2nd team. Why? Because it's against the rules. Rule #1 of picking a second team: it is the act of coward to pick a historically great team. 

Here's noted Hills douche Brody Jenner partying with Reggie Bush of the saints after they earned a trip to the Super Bowl. We all know what's wrong with this - Jenner probably doesn't know Reggie Bush from Reggie White (unless they give each other the secret L.A. handshake). He's a bandwagon fan. When you jump on the bandwagon of a medicore franchise for the Saints, who happen to be having a magical season, maybe you can be forgiven for getting caught up in the moment. 

However, that guy in Connecticut furtively burying his brand new Ben Roethlisberger jersey? He signed up with the winners so he could be associated with winners. And after a few years of being dressed in black and gold, and maybe even visiting Pittsburgh, he'll start talking your ear off about Mean Joe Green and the Immaculate Reception, and you won't even know he started following this team in 2006. The Steelers are in the high pantheon of American Sports: the All-Time Dynasty. There are maybe 6 teams across the 4 major sports that fall into this category, and Alistair, the Celtics are certainly one of them. And if you've been doing it since 2007, then it didn't just start when the Jazz got beat a couple weeks ago. 

If you want to pick a second team, pick them when they're down and you can pity them. Watch them grow. Not when they put together three and half future hall of famers and are going to their 31st NBA finals. 

What We Root for When We Root for (or against) Another

In preparation for the finals, I wanted to speak to you a little about the process of rooting for another team, other than your home team. My view of sports is that your home team is pretty much your team for life. The roster can change, the coaching staff can change, the stadium can change, the owner can express infuriatingly stupid political views you disagree with, your former star players can do horrible stuff (no just kidding, here), but you will still support the franchise. And I expect to keep doing so well into adulthood. There are a few reasons for doing this, none of them are perfect. Rooting for your home team (or the team you've always rooted for) connects you to your love of sports in childhood. It also allows you to follow events going on in the whole league, as you can pay attention to things from a single constant vantage point. Without looking through one team's journey, I think things get too confusing, and you get lost in too many details (much more true of all sports but football). For a lot of people, I think rooting for their team is a way to bond with their fathers. That's why Californians will root for New York teams and so on. And it is, in the end, a way to express loyalty to something and to feel part of a community.

Rooting for another team is a different kettle of fish entirely. It usually occurs, in basketball at least, only after your team has ended their season. Since '07 I have happily been rooting for the Celtics as my second team. But my rooting for them has only really become whole-hearted after the Jazz have been eliminated from the playoffs. It pays, I think, to root for a team that's in a different division than yours. Last year I rooted for the Nuggets in their battle to defeat the Lakers (they were much closer than the Suns). That team was fun to root for: they had a great story. A rag-tag bunch of talented athletes who had all been a little aloof, a little un-team like, coming together under the experienced guidance of Chauncey Billups (a great guy), having Carmello begin to blossom under his tutelage, and making a run at The Finals. I didn't, however, let myself fall too deeply in love with them. And this was wise and it allowed me to disassociate with my past, as the Jazz played them in the playoffs this year.

When rooting for another team besides your own I don't think you can ever root for a franchise. You have to root for good sports stories. You have to root for players and coaches. And you have to root for the team that can exact revenge on your behalf. This Celtics team has not disappointed. They have a great come back story, having been counted down and out in every round and having effectively chopped the heads off of increasingly "difficult" and "the best" teams, starting with the Wades in Miami, then attacking the Lebrons, moving on to their complete dismantling of the Howards (the funny thing is, these last two teams were the Cavs and the Magic, respectively, until they met the Celtics in the playoffs and largely resorted to their superstars and a collection of others), only to culminate (?) in their mirthless and professional destruction of Kobe Bryant and his over sexed lifeless zombie entourage. It's a very kill bill thing, they're working their way up the ladder and leaving piles of bodies at each step. These Celtics also have a plethora of personal stories. Garnett's return, Rondo's coming out party, and the slow and steady professionalism and heart of team captain Paul Pierce are all worth chattering on. Not to mention secondary stories like Nate Robinson's acceleration to the stratosphere, Doc Rivers' quiet gift at coaching personalities, and Rasheed Wallace's ability to turn it off one last time in the playoffs. That last comment on Rasheed capture's this team's larger arc rather nicely I think. I think of this team like the prospective experts in a Heist movie. Many are old and battered, but they've come together one last time for total domination. We will see if this is Rififi, a heist noir tragedy in which their flaws (or the Greek fates) lead to their downfall in the end. I'm starting to get the feeling, however, that this is Ocean's 14: Ocean's Beach Party the plot of which isn't too clear, but it ends with LA blowing up and everyone rich (Rondo is Damon).

I'm not rooting for the Celtics because Bill Russell once played for them (though my grandparents living in the area doesn't hurt). Similarly, I'm not rooting against these Lakers because of a longstanding grudge. I liked the team alright as recently as when Shaq played for them, and have come to hate them for their individuals not for their history. Kobe Bryant is obviously, if not a uniquely hateable guy in sports, the biggest asshole playing basketball today. He is surrounded by a crew of talented, but personality-less people. A further post will further elucidate this point. Suffice it to say, Lamar Odum used to be someone semi-interesting. Now he's married to a Kardashian. Fisher has become a smug dude, he's in commercials, and acts singularly relaxed with a pretentious air of having earned his place as a great (way to be on Kobe's team). Fisher also wants to have it both ways. He acts like a statesman, an ambassador to other players, an advertisement about sportsmanship and being a team leader. Then he makes the cheap tackle fouls. There's nothing wrong with those fouls. Rodman did them, the only difference is Rodman didn't claim to be doing them for his daughter. Pau Gasol is a hard case. He's extremely talented, a very good big man, but he's also a huge bitch. A dude who is quite tall and athletic, but who can not really throw down against other good big man. He's frequently soft when it counts, and hard when it doesn't (like when Boozer is lying on the ground and Gasol's yelling at him). There's the junk squad. And, or course, Phil Jackson. The man who took one of the world's great religions and improved it by applying its principles to a game with a ball. A guy who smugly tries to intimidate refs every game. And who is oft sighted as the best coach ever in the world for his ability to win with Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and Shaquille O'Neal. All and all they're a bunch of smug, human refuse, pieces of garbage that only the soulless money culture of LA could support. I like Magic Johnson and Pat Reilly. It is this particular group of Lakers, the one that knocked my team out of the playoffs for the past three years, that I hate so much. My hatred for the team is even more than the sum of its parts.

I hope that come Thursday, Garnett whipes the fancy floor with Gasol's chicken ass. That Fisher tries to foul Rondo and overextends his arm. That Phil Jackson gets fired. That Ron Artest gets confused and bites Jack Nicholson. That Kobe gets mad, goes all out, and still looses. When you're still watching sports after your franchise has lost, it gets personal. And personally, I completely hate one team, and completely love the other. If the Celtics lose it'll be worse than any other possible outcome (Magic, Cavs, Suns, someone else losing). But if they win, I won't have to live up to my pledge of spitting in Gasol's face should I ever meet him. He'll already have spat in it himself.

Have A Great Summer

Hey Dwight Howard. See you next year. Here's hoping you elbow your way into a good, meaningful relationship. But I fucking doubt it because you suck.

First Annual All Dinosaur Team: Pt. 2 Ankylosaur

Well, it's been awhile since the last post in our incredibly exciting All Dinosaur Team series. This has, in part, been due to laziness. But the last post in this series also led to a heated discussion in which racism was brought up. That led to a retort in which I called Steve Nash and Manu Ginobili assholes. I stand by hating Manu Ginobili, but to disparage this guy as an asshole no matter how much he increasingly looks like an alien as a game wears on is wrong. My apologies. After such an embarrassing mistake on my part, I didn't know how I could return to the All Dino Team. Then a certain someone with a certain writing style that makes several nonsensical references to his own in-jokes, expecting you to infer what he's talking about, all while hedging his bets and a) either saying nothing or b) failing to say what he really means, because his writing isn't strong enough or his thoughts aren't clear enough, so he settles for a muddled mess that could have been interesting but just... anyway, that guy recently came up with a very similar post. This put the fear of god in me and I realized our Dino team needed some work. So without further a-do, I bring you a-part 2.

Unfortunately, I don't have too much to say, as our 2 guard is our weakest position. In an attempt to make the best of several imperfect candidates we have decided to go with the Ankylosaurus as our shooting guard. While slightly bigger than a normal shooting guard at 30' x 6' x 4', the Ankylosaurus is still plenty small on a team of dinosaurs. While a Compsognathus would destroy an Ankylosaurus in a race, the Ankylosaurus more than makes up for his loss of speed with his almost entirely impenetrable armor. Who around the Association could play the part? The answer may shock you. Why, Jason "Old Man" Kidd, of course. The two are built eerily similarly. They are both relatively peaceful herbivores, who do not, however, lack a vicious ability to clobber. Something that you would never guess from looking at their bewildered, bovine eyes. While scientists think that Ankylosaurai probably shot similarly to Kidd from beyond the arc, most doubt they had anything like his ball handling skills (for the record, most scientists don't think that's the best Kidd video, they maintain, however, that it is the most dinoish, plus they think that Nas song is fillmatic). While the Ankylosaurus' actual ball handling skills may have left something to be desired, one might argue that the ball on the end of his giant club is symbolically like a basketball and, I assure you, he was quite fluid at handling that ball. After all, one must admit, it often seems like the basketball is just another appendage for Kidd. Then there's the fact that Ankylosaurai balled in the days of Tyranousaurai. They survived because of the aforementioned armor and its toughness. Unless they were flipped on their bellies. Then they were totally T-Rex meat. So congratulations Old Man-Kidd, you made the cut.