Now, About This Rockfight

Oh yeah, there's an NBA Finals to discuss. What's with calling it the Finals? And then having ABC use that elegant cursive scrawl at every commercial break? Is a Rockefeller getting married. Will there be beef Wellington served? Rasheed Wallace holds the record for technical fouls and Kobe Bryant once spent four million dollars on an "I'm Sorry I Raped a Coed" diamond, so I think we can forego the calligraphy. Five keys that WILL decide the series.

1. Paul Pierce vs. Ron Artest: In 2008, the Lakers had no one to guard Pierce, the Celtics most consistently phenomenal player, and he killed them. This year, the Lakers gambled on Artest just for this moment - his defensive skill set can only stop about four superstars in the league, and Pierce happens to be one of them. Remember how out of sorts the Durantula looked in game 6? Don't expect a great deal from Pierce. On the other end of the court, Artest hasn't had his transcendently awful game yet - he's playing within himself, calm, a role player on a team he feels can get him a ring. Pierce is the biggest agitator Boston has to offer...can he flop the monster out of Ron-Ron? This is the biggest difference between 2008 and 2010, and I have to say, advantage: Los Angeles. 

2. Big, Ugly Men: The Lakers have been swaddled their past 11 games (maybe the last 17), playing smaller, quicker teams that posed no physical obstacle to their tremendous size. They dodged Memet Okur, while Serge Ibaka and Brooke Lopez were not ready for the bright lights. Perkins might be one tech from a suspensions, but expect him to come hard at Pau Gasol, who certain Celtics have deemed "soft". Throw in Rasheed Wallace and what's left of Kevin Garnett, I don't see Odom and Bynum driving the baseline in the way they've become so accustomed to. Wallace is a less important version of Artest: he supplies Boston with six more fouls to give, and makes Gasol's job that much harder. Win or lose, the Celtics will keep th score down. Advantage: Boston

3. Rondo's Knees: Though I forgot about the pesky little doodlebug? He's been going hard to the basket for a month and a half now, willing this team to victory, and in game six, he fell a little too hard. Now he'll be matched up against Kobe, who'll be able to sit back, because we know Rajon can't hit the long ball. If Rondo isn't full health, the Laker defense can breathe a little easier, and bring help defenders elsewhere, possibly slowing down the onslaught that promises to be Ray Allen. On defense, a diminished Rondo will leave Kobe more clean lanes. On the other hand, I think Nate Robinson poses a huge problem to Kobe (or anyone else for that matter) if he gets on the court and gets hot. However, the Celtics do not want to get into a run and gun shootout, so they need their QB. As of right now, it's hard to see Rondo playing all out for the 6 or 7 games this series might go. Advantage: Los Angeles

4. Game 1, Traffic, and the Hellhole that is L.A.: This is more of an intangible factor, but this series tips off at 6 Pacific time Thursday afternoon. We know Jack will be there, but will anyone else? The 2-3-2 format is so hard on the visiting team, except if they find a way to steal Game 1. It's probably the strongest we'll see Garnett at any point in the series, and the Lakers will be adjusting to playing against a real defense for the first time in months. Combine that with the fact the crowd may get stuck in enough traffic / Sarah Jessica Parker Suicide gawking that they miss a good deal of the first quarter. If Phil Jackson wins game 1, he win, so Doc will have the wagons circled well in advance. This series could be over before it ever really begins, in the first 12 or 24 minutes if the Celtics come out hot. Advantage: Boston


5. Pressure. The Celtics took their foot off the gas for most of the season. They blew away the talentless Heat, the quitting Cavs, and a mismatched Orlando group. They let the Magic series go to 6 because of poor crunch-time shooting. Meanwhile, the Lakers have won many close games, 6 on the final shot by Kobe Bryant. The Celtics one weakness all year has been protecting a huge lead. What I'm saying is, this Boston team hasn't been tested with their back against the wall yet. They certainly will be in this series. And if #24 is pulling the trigger, advantage: Los Angeles

What We Root for When We Root for (or against) Another

In preparation for the finals, I wanted to speak to you a little about the process of rooting for another team, other than your home team. My view of sports is that your home team is pretty much your team for life. The roster can change, the coaching staff can change, the stadium can change, the owner can express infuriatingly stupid political views you disagree with, your former star players can do horrible stuff (no just kidding, here), but you will still support the franchise. And I expect to keep doing so well into adulthood. There are a few reasons for doing this, none of them are perfect. Rooting for your home team (or the team you've always rooted for) connects you to your love of sports in childhood. It also allows you to follow events going on in the whole league, as you can pay attention to things from a single constant vantage point. Without looking through one team's journey, I think things get too confusing, and you get lost in too many details (much more true of all sports but football). For a lot of people, I think rooting for their team is a way to bond with their fathers. That's why Californians will root for New York teams and so on. And it is, in the end, a way to express loyalty to something and to feel part of a community.

Rooting for another team is a different kettle of fish entirely. It usually occurs, in basketball at least, only after your team has ended their season. Since '07 I have happily been rooting for the Celtics as my second team. But my rooting for them has only really become whole-hearted after the Jazz have been eliminated from the playoffs. It pays, I think, to root for a team that's in a different division than yours. Last year I rooted for the Nuggets in their battle to defeat the Lakers (they were much closer than the Suns). That team was fun to root for: they had a great story. A rag-tag bunch of talented athletes who had all been a little aloof, a little un-team like, coming together under the experienced guidance of Chauncey Billups (a great guy), having Carmello begin to blossom under his tutelage, and making a run at The Finals. I didn't, however, let myself fall too deeply in love with them. And this was wise and it allowed me to disassociate with my past, as the Jazz played them in the playoffs this year.

When rooting for another team besides your own I don't think you can ever root for a franchise. You have to root for good sports stories. You have to root for players and coaches. And you have to root for the team that can exact revenge on your behalf. This Celtics team has not disappointed. They have a great come back story, having been counted down and out in every round and having effectively chopped the heads off of increasingly "difficult" and "the best" teams, starting with the Wades in Miami, then attacking the Lebrons, moving on to their complete dismantling of the Howards (the funny thing is, these last two teams were the Cavs and the Magic, respectively, until they met the Celtics in the playoffs and largely resorted to their superstars and a collection of others), only to culminate (?) in their mirthless and professional destruction of Kobe Bryant and his over sexed lifeless zombie entourage. It's a very kill bill thing, they're working their way up the ladder and leaving piles of bodies at each step. These Celtics also have a plethora of personal stories. Garnett's return, Rondo's coming out party, and the slow and steady professionalism and heart of team captain Paul Pierce are all worth chattering on. Not to mention secondary stories like Nate Robinson's acceleration to the stratosphere, Doc Rivers' quiet gift at coaching personalities, and Rasheed Wallace's ability to turn it off one last time in the playoffs. That last comment on Rasheed capture's this team's larger arc rather nicely I think. I think of this team like the prospective experts in a Heist movie. Many are old and battered, but they've come together one last time for total domination. We will see if this is Rififi, a heist noir tragedy in which their flaws (or the Greek fates) lead to their downfall in the end. I'm starting to get the feeling, however, that this is Ocean's 14: Ocean's Beach Party the plot of which isn't too clear, but it ends with LA blowing up and everyone rich (Rondo is Damon).

I'm not rooting for the Celtics because Bill Russell once played for them (though my grandparents living in the area doesn't hurt). Similarly, I'm not rooting against these Lakers because of a longstanding grudge. I liked the team alright as recently as when Shaq played for them, and have come to hate them for their individuals not for their history. Kobe Bryant is obviously, if not a uniquely hateable guy in sports, the biggest asshole playing basketball today. He is surrounded by a crew of talented, but personality-less people. A further post will further elucidate this point. Suffice it to say, Lamar Odum used to be someone semi-interesting. Now he's married to a Kardashian. Fisher has become a smug dude, he's in commercials, and acts singularly relaxed with a pretentious air of having earned his place as a great (way to be on Kobe's team). Fisher also wants to have it both ways. He acts like a statesman, an ambassador to other players, an advertisement about sportsmanship and being a team leader. Then he makes the cheap tackle fouls. There's nothing wrong with those fouls. Rodman did them, the only difference is Rodman didn't claim to be doing them for his daughter. Pau Gasol is a hard case. He's extremely talented, a very good big man, but he's also a huge bitch. A dude who is quite tall and athletic, but who can not really throw down against other good big man. He's frequently soft when it counts, and hard when it doesn't (like when Boozer is lying on the ground and Gasol's yelling at him). There's the junk squad. And, or course, Phil Jackson. The man who took one of the world's great religions and improved it by applying its principles to a game with a ball. A guy who smugly tries to intimidate refs every game. And who is oft sighted as the best coach ever in the world for his ability to win with Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and Shaquille O'Neal. All and all they're a bunch of smug, human refuse, pieces of garbage that only the soulless money culture of LA could support. I like Magic Johnson and Pat Reilly. It is this particular group of Lakers, the one that knocked my team out of the playoffs for the past three years, that I hate so much. My hatred for the team is even more than the sum of its parts.

I hope that come Thursday, Garnett whipes the fancy floor with Gasol's chicken ass. That Fisher tries to foul Rondo and overextends his arm. That Phil Jackson gets fired. That Ron Artest gets confused and bites Jack Nicholson. That Kobe gets mad, goes all out, and still looses. When you're still watching sports after your franchise has lost, it gets personal. And personally, I completely hate one team, and completely love the other. If the Celtics lose it'll be worse than any other possible outcome (Magic, Cavs, Suns, someone else losing). But if they win, I won't have to live up to my pledge of spitting in Gasol's face should I ever meet him. He'll already have spat in it himself.

Chop Dwight Howard's Fucking Head Off!

Hats off to the Celtics. I saw the Cavs going all the way this year, but I was wrong. This Celtics team is a different kind of basketball featuring nine guys who can give you 18 points. LeBronless they may be, but they are literally the Wu-Tang Clan.



As Zuckerman put it in two separate texts, "k (text one) fucking g (text two)." Let's hope Superman and whatever Kobe calls himself are next. Beat your own fucking skulls America!

Cs Section

Cavaliers-Celtics:

Finally, we're down to some actual teams in the East instead of... well, you know, the East. And we get what promised to be, before Garnett went down in SLC last year, the real finals for the years of 2009-2012: C vs C, Le-Bron vs. Three, a new rivalry to challlenge those of old, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame against Harvard. That's all ruined, but we still have what promises to be, short of the Eastern Conference Finals and actual Finals, one of this playoff season's best matchups.

Of course Boston is not what it used to be. Garnett went down and is no longer the monster that even McHale couldn't destroy. Pierce may or may not still be the not false. And Rasheed Wallace has taken the place of House, Powe, and Cassell. And Cleveland is not what it once was either. Since losing in 7 games to the Cs during their ascendent 2007-08 season, Cleveland has acquired 2 trophys for its King (and yours), 2 best records of the year, 1 ill-advised COY award, and the contracts of an aging, but still good center (some irish guy) as well as Antawn Jamison.

All these factors plus a LeBron that everyone says really wants it have conventional wisdom placing this series at 5 games. I think that that's a little to hard on the Celtics. First of all, although not capable of what they once were they can play defense better than most, a trait that tends to frustrate the Cavs, forcing them to rely too heavily on LeBron (as was seen in last year's Eastern Conference Finals). The Celtics are probably slightly underrated, too. People saw the Heat putting up much more of a fight, but the Celtics, like the Lakers in the West, still seem able to play hard and win in the playoffs, quickly quieting naysayers. The Celtics are tough, and the Cavaliers can be effected a little by toughness. Garnett knows how to talk shit and did so to great effect last time these two teams met (causing the Real LBJ to miss a three to win). Both teams do not like their opponents, but while the Cavs seem to shrug off this kind of hatred (or at worst, get rattled by it) the Celtics thrive on it. The type of gritty, grinding series these factors predict would seem to favor the Celtics over the Cavaliers. Of course, sloppy, solipsistic, sports psychology is a much worse determiner than points diferential, record, home-court, and having won the first game, so I still expect the Cs (Cavs) to win, but I expect them to get bruised, frustrated, and occasionally humiliated along the way.

Interesting Stories:

Last time these teams played in the playoffs the final game was a shootout between LeBron and Paul Pierce. While the King scored more points, the Truth's team won, and the man went on to be Finals MVP. I think that he will likely be a big factor in this series. So far he's been pretty quiet in the playoffs. If he can deliver in a few of these games, he might be able to dismantle the calm, cool, Cavs and force them to revert to their previous form, the LeBrons.

Not-Interesting Stories:

LeBron's elbow.

Prediction:

Cavaliers in 7 (Game 1, Game 3, Game 5, Game 7)

C Murder

Celtics-Heat
I was waiting to write this, the last of the first round playoff prediction posts (frppp), until after I saw the much hyped reason Garnett got suspended for game two (video here). I'm glad I waited because it gives me more insight into this series, the only one between two eastern teams that I really feel like I know. The first of those links above discusses how Garnett is one of the worst figures in sports, he must have missed this guy. The article in question also defends Richardson for calling Pierce and Garnett "Actresses." OK. Anyway, back to the matter at hand, that video clip reveals the two teams, all bullshit brushed aside (which is to say all relevant basketball information which makes up 99.9% of who wins a game brushed aside). The Celtics are a rough and tumble lot, sure. They're compass, a slightly ridiculous and overenthusiastic Garnett, can be a bit of a joke sometimes, fine. But they care about one another. Once Garnett got to Boston back in '07, he engendered a sense in all of them that they are a team and that they will play and win together. He started a tradition in which, when a teammate falls, you run (sprint) to help him back up, patting him on the back and getting him back in the game. Watch a guy fall in Boston and you'll see that attitude. It is this attitude that allows the Celtics to be so effectively open to any player on offense and that sets the team up as a defensive monster. It is this spirit of camaraderie that won this team a championship, that Doc Rivers harnesses so effectively as a coach, and (full disclosure) the spirit that makes the Celtics my second favorite team. So, when you punch a guy in the stomach because you can't control your emotions when losing a game, its this kind of spirit that gets you elbowed in the head. Now this elbowing wasn't even nearly as extreme as I pictured it in my head, after all, while eccentric, Garnett is not insane nor is he Dennis Rodman but he is a good teammate. And he will stand by his man.

Contrast that with the Heat. A team that has a lot of promise but way more emotionally unstable loose cannons than any other team, even Denver. And next season, when Dwayne Wade (one can only pray) goes to New York to be paid by Jay-Z, this team will just be an ungodly, unstable mess. Beasley is talented but way too ready to punch people or burst into tears to be effective. Richardson is, well let's just say, a ho. And let me just be clear, there's good unstable and there's bad unstable. Good unstable is Artest, Garnett, Payton, and even Rodman (at times). They'll talk shit, act crazy, and get in your head, but they'll mostly just play basketball and play it well. They won't generally melt down and throw the whole game at the slightest provocation (though we all know those guys I just listed have melted down, but c'mon, blog with me). Then there's bad unstable, which characterizes many players on the Nuggets and Heat rosters. These guys cannot be depended on to finish when the pressure really mounts. They buckle and throw the series. I think it's a sort of team attitude and not just a trait of any given player. The Nuggets had it in droves back in the AI days, when they were all swagger, high scoring, and completely useless against the Lakers, Spurs, or any serious team. And despite Billups' effort to lead the team out of the wilderness, they can still fold like pants (thanks metaphors.com) when tough times come home to roost (thanks mixedmetaphors.com) -- see Mart, K during the final game of last years Nuggets-Lakers series. The Heat is rife with players that exude this ethos and without someone of Wade's caliber to calm them down/perform on the court (and in commercials), they will not see the playoffs again for a long time. I'll stick with my original prediction here (my first one was already disproved in Chicago) and say Cs win in 7, as they have trouble on the road in first round series. But I hope that they do win and that, when they do, they take the advice given in this post's title.

Interesting Stories:
See Above

Prediction:
Celtics in 7 (Game 1, Game 2, Game 5, Game 7)

2009/2010 NBA Schedule

The 2009/2010 NBA schedule is set to debut this Tuesday, August 4th. I will of course be among the throngs of NBA enthusiasts frantically downloading it as soon as the clock strikes the 1pm release date. But for those of you who won't even be able to make it through the start of another workweek without at least a hint of what is to come (or who can't care less and just want a general overview), here is a small taste of what you can expect.

Like last year, the season will open with a Boston/Cleveland match-up when the Celtics visit Cleveland on October 27th. It will also be the fourth time in six years that a Shaq-Kobe duo have taken the Christmas Day spotlight. While this may be a testament to Shaq's surprising longevity, it is also an indicator of a greater financial agenda.

With their golden ticket player, the mighty Cavaliers will take both of these prime spots ahead of an Orlando team that actually made the finals last year. Understandably, the schedule's construction is a 6 month undertaking beginning in early February, so maybe Matt Winick is still living in the land of pre-Eastern Conference Championship Puppet Land. Or maybe David Stern's feelings about small markets are showing. (Let's be honest, Stern would no rather down a bottle of tobasco than play host to a Denver-Orlando finals, or San Antonio-New Jersey for that matter).

In the end, perhaps it only makes sense for Stern to tend to his own and favor more commercially palatable programming. As part of a larger trend, NBA ratings and profits have been in decline for some time now. This was highlighted in 2006 when a rained-out NASCAR telecast embarassed the NBA with higher ratings than an ABC broadcast of the Lakers-Caveliers/Kobe-Lebron faceoff. In any case, check out the schedule for yourself on Tuesday and let me know what you think. What do you think about the state of financial sense and programming decisions in the NBA?

*As a side note, here is an interesting article regarding the NBA small market dilemma.