First Annual All Dinosaur Team: Pt. 3 Brontosaurus

The brontosaurus, despite an apparent name change by the dynamic and frenetic field of dinosaur naming, has finally ground out the long sought-after and ruthlessly earned starting position on the first annual dinosaur team through Kevin Durrant. These majestic beasts have been material for many soft and cuddly children movies, but do not mistake them for the gentle giants that they appear to be. According to recent computer modeling, brontosauruses could crack their tails with so much force that the resulting sound would be as loud as cannon fire.
Furthermore, these were some of the largest animals ever to roam the earth. The weighed as much as four elephants combined.


What does this have to do with Kevin Durrant, the man crowned as the next great in basketball? Plenty. First, each has tremendous length. Durrant is 6'10" but his arms allow him to play like a center around the rim instead of the small forward that he is registered as. Second, both Durant and the bronto possess a certain elegance. On the court, Durant is able to soar by defenders and shoot the outside shots with equal grace while I imagine a brontosaurus' movements to be well-coordinated and free-flowing. Third, I believe that they each exist on a similar hierarchical level within their various biological orders. While never registering as a top-tier dinosaur, the brontosaurus is consistently included in the top two or three most iconic and prolific of these gigantic monsters. Similarly, KD began this season as the top MVP candidate everywhere, and has since gone to not even mentioned at all on most lists. Although many will disagree with me, I believe that he is an excellent player but will never rule any generation of basketball, much like a Reggie Miller. He will always be at the top of a scouting report, but never the best player in the league. The NBA is just too talented and Kevin needs better teammates, despite his constant blather about the Thunder and THEIR players.


Lastly, looks may be deceiving. The Brontosaurus appears to be incredibly formidable, but it eats mostly leaves. Durrant has received so much praise for his camaraderie, but I find it contrived and created. He says precisely the right things too often that I must doubt his sincerity. Furthermore, at some fundamental level, he strikes me as softer than Dwayne Wade, Kobe Bryant, or Dwight Howard. He thus earns a comparison to an herbivore. I believe that he needs at least two or three more carnivores on his team before they are championship caliber. Imagine, though, if a T-Rex or a velociraptor teamed up with a brontosaurus? The combination of length and grace with ferocity and blood-lust would certainly win a few championships. It's too bad that the captain of the dinosaur team moved elsewhere...

First Annual All Dinosaur Team: Pt. 2 Ankylosaur

Well, it's been awhile since the last post in our incredibly exciting All Dinosaur Team series. This has, in part, been due to laziness. But the last post in this series also led to a heated discussion in which racism was brought up. That led to a retort in which I called Steve Nash and Manu Ginobili assholes. I stand by hating Manu Ginobili, but to disparage this guy as an asshole no matter how much he increasingly looks like an alien as a game wears on is wrong. My apologies. After such an embarrassing mistake on my part, I didn't know how I could return to the All Dino Team. Then a certain someone with a certain writing style that makes several nonsensical references to his own in-jokes, expecting you to infer what he's talking about, all while hedging his bets and a) either saying nothing or b) failing to say what he really means, because his writing isn't strong enough or his thoughts aren't clear enough, so he settles for a muddled mess that could have been interesting but just... anyway, that guy recently came up with a very similar post. This put the fear of god in me and I realized our Dino team needed some work. So without further a-do, I bring you a-part 2.

Unfortunately, I don't have too much to say, as our 2 guard is our weakest position. In an attempt to make the best of several imperfect candidates we have decided to go with the Ankylosaurus as our shooting guard. While slightly bigger than a normal shooting guard at 30' x 6' x 4', the Ankylosaurus is still plenty small on a team of dinosaurs. While a Compsognathus would destroy an Ankylosaurus in a race, the Ankylosaurus more than makes up for his loss of speed with his almost entirely impenetrable armor. Who around the Association could play the part? The answer may shock you. Why, Jason "Old Man" Kidd, of course. The two are built eerily similarly. They are both relatively peaceful herbivores, who do not, however, lack a vicious ability to clobber. Something that you would never guess from looking at their bewildered, bovine eyes. While scientists think that Ankylosaurai probably shot similarly to Kidd from beyond the arc, most doubt they had anything like his ball handling skills (for the record, most scientists don't think that's the best Kidd video, they maintain, however, that it is the most dinoish, plus they think that Nas song is fillmatic). While the Ankylosaurus' actual ball handling skills may have left something to be desired, one might argue that the ball on the end of his giant club is symbolically like a basketball and, I assure you, he was quite fluid at handling that ball. After all, one must admit, it often seems like the basketball is just another appendage for Kidd. Then there's the fact that Ankylosaurai balled in the days of Tyranousaurai. They survived because of the aforementioned armor and its toughness. Unless they were flipped on their bellies. Then they were totally T-Rex meat. So congratulations Old Man-Kidd, you made the cut.

First Annual All Dinosaur Team: Pt. 1 Compsognathus

So. We are fast approaching the end of an exciting basketball season. This blog will soon come alive as the national conscious switches from March Madness to April Aphasia. In honor of what is sure to be the most glorious epoch in this blog's already legendary canon, we have decided to kick off the festivities by choosing the first annual all dinosaur team. What is the all dinosaur team, you ask? The concept is simple: we answer the question that plagued America's greatest minds; namely, which ball players resemble which dinosaurs. Obviously, simply naming five players and five dinosaurs, while expeditious, would not be in keeping with the standards we have tried to live and blog by. Therefore we will develop a total team, complete with all five player positions, matching dinosaurs to players not only by dint of their physical resemblances, but by personality too.

Like most serious discussions of dinosaurs, ours will begin with the Compsognathus, the small, turkey sized dinosaur that could run quick and eat insects. This awesome dinosaur's obvious NBA correlate is none other than, friend to the blog, Rajon Rondo. Think about it for a minute. Rondo is small and quick. He exists in a world that is dominated by other larger dinosaurs: Garnett, Pierce, and Allen. That means he has to be highly evolved in order to survive. He has to be able to effortlessly dodge in and out of the legs of bigger dinosaurs. He also has to be somewhat of a pragmatist. Unlike the bigger, but ultimately peaceful herbivores, Pierce and Allen, Rondo can't afford to not eat whatever comes across his path. He might have to steal eggs, eat lizards, or even pin another dinosaur's claws behind its back when everyone is looking elsewhere. It is for all these reasons (plus, look at the guy) that Rajon Compsognathus Rondo is the first entry on our All Dino Team.