First Annual All Dinosaur Team: Pt. 2 Ankylosaur

Well, it's been awhile since the last post in our incredibly exciting All Dinosaur Team series. This has, in part, been due to laziness. But the last post in this series also led to a heated discussion in which racism was brought up. That led to a retort in which I called Steve Nash and Manu Ginobili assholes. I stand by hating Manu Ginobili, but to disparage this guy as an asshole no matter how much he increasingly looks like an alien as a game wears on is wrong. My apologies. After such an embarrassing mistake on my part, I didn't know how I could return to the All Dino Team. Then a certain someone with a certain writing style that makes several nonsensical references to his own in-jokes, expecting you to infer what he's talking about, all while hedging his bets and a) either saying nothing or b) failing to say what he really means, because his writing isn't strong enough or his thoughts aren't clear enough, so he settles for a muddled mess that could have been interesting but just... anyway, that guy recently came up with a very similar post. This put the fear of god in me and I realized our Dino team needed some work. So without further a-do, I bring you a-part 2.

Unfortunately, I don't have too much to say, as our 2 guard is our weakest position. In an attempt to make the best of several imperfect candidates we have decided to go with the Ankylosaurus as our shooting guard. While slightly bigger than a normal shooting guard at 30' x 6' x 4', the Ankylosaurus is still plenty small on a team of dinosaurs. While a Compsognathus would destroy an Ankylosaurus in a race, the Ankylosaurus more than makes up for his loss of speed with his almost entirely impenetrable armor. Who around the Association could play the part? The answer may shock you. Why, Jason "Old Man" Kidd, of course. The two are built eerily similarly. They are both relatively peaceful herbivores, who do not, however, lack a vicious ability to clobber. Something that you would never guess from looking at their bewildered, bovine eyes. While scientists think that Ankylosaurai probably shot similarly to Kidd from beyond the arc, most doubt they had anything like his ball handling skills (for the record, most scientists don't think that's the best Kidd video, they maintain, however, that it is the most dinoish, plus they think that Nas song is fillmatic). While the Ankylosaurus' actual ball handling skills may have left something to be desired, one might argue that the ball on the end of his giant club is symbolically like a basketball and, I assure you, he was quite fluid at handling that ball. After all, one must admit, it often seems like the basketball is just another appendage for Kidd. Then there's the fact that Ankylosaurai balled in the days of Tyranousaurai. They survived because of the aforementioned armor and its toughness. Unless they were flipped on their bellies. Then they were totally T-Rex meat. So congratulations Old Man-Kidd, you made the cut.

The Return of J.R. Rider?

Though only a rumor at this point, it appears that Isaiah "J.R." Rider may be primed for one of the most surprising NBA comebacks in recent memory. Undeniably, the 38-year-old guard has roller-coasted his way to one of the leagues most volatile careers since he was selected 5th overall by the Timberwolves in the 1993 NBA Draft. Although Rider hasn't played in a game since the 2001-02 season when he appeared in a whopping 10 matches for Denver, his agent reports that Isaiah has "been working out hard". According to the Minneapolis Star Tribune, this stringent level of effort is met by "playing pickup ball with local college guys in suburban Phoenix". Something tells me that whatever jokes might arise regarding the possible effectiveness of such a workout regimen would only give the feeling of shooting fish in a barrel. I'm just going to move on.

The following article will look at this recent come-back news in context of JR Rider's overall career, but first I can't resist the opportunity to point out his bizarre similarity to Jason Kidd. Rider and Kidd both attended high school in the town of Alameda, California, only 2 years apart. Both having March birthdays, Rider and Kidd went on to attend traditionally non-powerhouse collegiate basketball programs in UNLV and UC Berkeley. Despite this, only 3 picks separated their respective top 5 selections in the NBA Draft. Both are strong rebounding guards. All of this may seem like coincidence, and I am even willing to concede that it could just be something in the Alameda water that pushed the players to similar domestic abuse troubles, but then again...

There must be something to the fact that both players boast assault charges on the records stemming from a dispute over fast food. Granted Kidd's assault was prompted by being denied a french fry and Rider's by receiving the wrong flavor of Jack in the Box milkshake (see number 9, add physical altercation), but aren't we just splitting hairs here? How many people, let alone NBA players, can put that on their resume? Just remember, everything happens for a reason... I'll let you know when I figure out what it is.

In the end, I'll concede that it would be an unfair comparison. But only on the basis that, while Kidd has certainly compiled an impressive list of domestic abuse and anger related problems, he has also shown at least a slim measure of remorse. Rider, on the other hand, has never been shy about unabashedly piling it on. It would be an insult to Rider's legacy to simply lump him in with the general NBA populace of dime-a-dozen troublemakers. That's the minor leagues and the last place that this deity of deviance belongs.

Back to the roller coaster. In his prime, Rider was a tangled mix of explosive talent and volatile behavior. On one hand, JR Rider is remembered for the sensational "East Bay Funk Dunk" that won him the 1994 All-Star Slam Dunk Contest and left Charles Barkley stammering that it was perhaps "the best dunk (he'd) ever seen". He's also remembered for the college Dunk of Death when he knocked a defender out cold with a knee to the head. In his rookie season, Rider scored 30+ points 3 times in one month and was named to the All-Rookie First Team, but also managed to miss the first practice of his NBA career (*He repeating this feat by showing up late to his first practice with Atlanta). Both within the single month of December, 1995, Isaiah completed what Timberwolves' announcer Tom Hanneman called the "Play of the Decade" and served a team suspension.

While leading the Hawks in scoring, Rider also managed to be immortalized in Atlanta basketball lore via the “J.R. Curse”, referring to the 9 year playoff drought that followed Rider's demoralizing stint with the team. The powerful black mark left by having traded for Rider is believed to have resulted in the firing of Atlanta GM Pete Babcock as well as the forced resignation of Hawks coach Lenny Wilkins.

Rider has always stood by his delinquency as if on principle. When the NBA ordered drug counseling, he refused, racking up $200,000 in fines. When suspended 3 games by the Hawks for arriving late to a game, he demanded his release rather than submit to the punishment. Really, find me a reasonable comparison. Despite such free cash flow for violations and fines, Rider's rebellious spirit was never satisfied. He was even caught evading phone bills by charging an illegal cell phone to someone else's account. I get the feeling it was more out of habit than a lack of money.

With upwards to 2 dozen arrests to his name, JR Rider has been cuffed for everything from felony cocaine possession to assault, grand theft auto, domestic violence, rape, public gambling, parole violations, marijuana possession (laced with cocaine), failure to complete community service, kicking a woman in the back at an autograph signing, kicking a female sports bar manager, and, my favorite, a kidnapping and battery in which he forced a female acquaintance into his car and proceeded to speed through Marin County with his car door open, holding the screaming woman down. Even though a subsequent court order banned Rider from the county, he was there once again a few weeks later, becoming involved in a car chase that resulted in an auto accident. The incident chalked up another charge of cocaine possession, battery, and police evasion for his record.

Rider's more mundane basketball related issues include instances of threatening to have a reporter killed, going into the stands after a fan, spitting on fans, and violating the league's anti-drug policy. Here is an objective list of incidents and violations committed by Rider during one of his relatively well behaved years with the Portland Trailblazers.

Oh yeah, and in case you're wondering if this pattern is merely a leftover from wilder days, the grand theft auto example is less than a year old. So whether or not it turns out that Isaiah Rider still has the athleticism at age 38 that allowed him to be effective nearly a decade ago, at least we know we'll be getting plenty of Funk in the Trunk, "Slammin' hard like a monster dunk!" (see JR Rider rap track, 1994). When it comes to his finely honed nose for trouble, that's what he built his legacy on and damn he's still got it.

With all that said, it's only appropriate to finish with a vision of Rider's future in his own words from a recent TNT interview regarding his past and the possibility of playing in the NBA again. Openness, commitment, regret. It all seems to be there in a surprisingly eloquent package. If I were in his chair, I'm not sure I would go out of my way to remind everyone that "actions speak louder than words", but like he says, "The proof is in the pudding".