New Feature: Craig Bolerjack Quote of the Night

If you're a Jazz fan and have ever watched the Jazz on TV then you've been subject to the tragicomic ejaculations that come out of Craig Bolerjack's mouth (also the guttural noises, but those are hard to reproduce in text). Bolerjack is a man's man, but unfortunately not a smart man's man, or a smart man's sports man's man. His understanding of basketball is limited to the phrases, "he stops, pops" and "buckle up." Bolerjack is, however, a funny guy, and we intend to honor him, misunderstandings and all, by posting a quote of the night from last night's Jazz game. This will be a very regular feature as Craig always says something quotable. Last night, when the Jazz shook off a ridiculously lethargic start and began to take it to the Clipper's in the second half, Bollerjack proclaimed to all the world what every Jazz fan was thinking:

"Put the alarm bell on because he's awake." - Craig Bolerjack 12/29/2010. Agreed.

The Who's Who of Christmas, part 2

And now, dear readers, that it is no longer Christmas, enjoy part 2 of our single sentence descriptors of NBA teams.

1. Dallas- One last title run before the grave.





















2. Denver- With Melo and lady Melo eyeing Brooklyn, all this team has to look forward to are the days when Chauncey becomes an assistant coach.





























3. Golden State- Granted, watching Curry and Ellis play is like watching NBA jam players who are on fire run around, but that doesn't explain why they have nearly as many nationally televised games as wins.






















4. Houston Rockets- Not even triple platinum advanced statistics can explain why Kevin Martin's wacky shot will always drop.

































5. Los Angeles (lesser)- Aminu? Bledsoe? Griffin? Is one of the most promising young groups enough to overcome two decades of late night comedy jokes and this guy?




















6. Los Angeles (greater)- I know I'm going out on a limb here, but I think these guys are a team to watch.









































7. Memphis- Just one Lakers trade away from really having something.






















8. Minnesota- One of sports' most fascinating stories in 2011 will be the boxing match between Kevin Love and Michael Beasley in one corner and David Kahn in another: the former will try to help a young team flourish while the latter tries to destroy it from the inside.



















9. New Orleans- A disappointing reversion to the mean for the hornets cannot bring Seattle's spirits down; NBA ownership is the best news since the drafting of Durant.




















10. Oklahoma City- These kids are alright.



















11. Phoenix- Making Carter and Gortat into All-Star players is nothing for the undying vampire-emperor Drac that you mortals know as Steve Nash.


































12. Portland- Second team should still make the playoffs, first team should beat all the other hospital patients in a game of pickup.
























13. Sacramento- My condolences to the Kings for the early death of Tyreke Evans; in lieu of flowers the team has asked that you send cash.





















14. San Antonio- Divorce, no Bowen, new players -- nothing can stop the unstoppable and I for one salute our new overlords.




























15. Utah- Comeback? We been here for mad years.

The Who's Who of Christmas, part 1

Feeling the Christmas spirit, we here at tgrtns felt it necessary to traverse through the NBA and discuss each team's season with a single-sentence descriptor. Enjoy!

1. Atlanta- Mediocrity returns with a vengeance.
2. Boston- Rappers steppin' to me, they want a brick son, but I'm the chef, my price is 26 son.

3. Charlotte- Disappointment breeds contempt.

4. Chicago- Thibodeau for COY, unfortunately.

5. Cleveland- LeBron's supporting cast should be good for 30 wins this year.






6. Detroit- Besides Charlie V. offering to fight Kevin G., arguably the most boring team in the league.


7. Indiana- Great Granger, perfunctory pacers.

8. Miami- LeBron is neither so evil, nor so selfish, just a little dumb.




9. Milwaukee- Fear the injury.


10. New Jersey- New coach, new owner, new future city...נו?

11. New York- The NBA's best 2010-2011 renaissance story for one of its best cities.



12. Orlando- It didn't work the first time, but why not give big blue a second chance?

13. Philadelphia- Too soon to say, but the sixers might sneak into the playoffs this year.


14. Toronto- "Boshless Charity Squad"-Matt Palzkillah


15. Washington- Most hyped rookie to not even mentioned among top three (but boy, can he dance).

The Magic Poem Christmas Post

A Poem for "Magic";
for Earvin "Magic" Johnson, Donell Reid, and Richard Franklin

By Quincy Troupe

take it to the hoop, "magic" johnson
take the ball dazzling down the open lane
herk & jerk & raise your six foot nine inch
frame into air sweating screams of your neon name
"magic" johnson, nicknamed "windex" way back in high school
'cause you wiped glass blackboards so clean
where you first juked & shook
& wiled your way to glory
a new styled fusion of shake & bake energy
using everything possible you created your own space
to fly through -- any moment now we expect your wings
to spread feathers for that spooky take-off of yours
then shake & glide till you hammer home
a clotheslining deuce off glass
now, come back down with a reverse hoodoo gem
of the spin, & stick it in sweet popping nets
clean from twenty feet right side

put the ball on the floor, "magic"
slide the dribble behind our back, ease it deftly
between your bony stork legs, head bobbing everwhichaway
up & down, you see everything on the court, off the high
yoyo patter, stop & go dribble, you shoot
a threading needle rope pass sweet home to kareem
cutting through the lane, his skyhook pops the cords
now lead the fastbreak, hit jamaal on the fly
now blindside a behind the back pinpointpass for two more
off the fake, looking the other way
you raise off balance into tense space
sweating chants of your name, turn 360 degrees
on the move your legs scissoring space like a swimmer's
yoyoing motion in deep water, stretching out now
towards free flight, you double pump through human trees
hang in place, slip the ball into your left hand
then deal it like a Las Vegas card dealer off squared glass
into nets living up your singular nickname, so "bad"
you cartwheel the crowd towards frenzy
wearing now your electric smile, neon as your name

in victory we suddenly sense your glorious uplift
your urgent need to be champion
& so we cheer, rejoicing with you for this quicksilver, quicksilver, quicksilver
moment of fame, so put the ball on the floor again, "magic"
juke & dazzle, shaking & baking down the lane
take the sucker to the hoop, "magic" johnson
recreate reverse hoodoo gems off the spin
deal alley-oop-dunk-a-thon-magician passes, now
double-pump, scissor, vamp through space, hang in place
& put it all in the sucker's face, "magic" johnson
& deal the roundball like the juju man that you am
like the shonuff shaman man that you am
"magic," like the shonuff spaceman you am

Thursday's Top Ten

Welcome to our top ten stories of the week! This is the first installment of what we hope to be a long and fruitful collection of interesting and important stories around the Association and its environs.

1. Obama helps navigate many, many bills/treaties through congress, and Collins gushes again. Doesn't he play basketball too?

2. Larry Brown "retires".

3. Big A.J. records a career high in blocks and the Jazz manage to hold Kevin Love to under 20 rebounds. No LeBron treatment, because A.J. is no LeBron.



4. The Celtics do nothing but win, despite missing half of their team. Anyone think that they can win 70?

5. Kobe Bryant's knee fluid receives what many consider long-overdue recognition.

6. Coach Sloan moves up in most all-time wins and attributes it to anyone and anything but his steady coaching.

7. Freedarko manages in one paragraph, literally, to mention "capitalism", "undeniable racial tension", "rags-to-riches-trajectory", and "American tropes". What prompted the authors to combine every major theme of their blog at once? An analysis of the tense relationship between James and Wade, as evidenced by two sentences the stars spoke to each other in the locker room.

8. In their defense, check out this tremendously entertaining video of JaVale McGee, particularly the last 15 seconds.

9. Carmelo appears to be a goner. Prokhorov takes another step toward world domination through basketball.

10. Dinosaurs: don't call it a comeback.

The Future of the Lakers

Is it time to panic if you are a Lakers fan? Yes, because you are a Lakers fan, but no, because they will be fine this season. After watching them get lit up on their own court and seeing them register a paltry 13 points in the fourth quarter, I realized the problem. They are old. Too old to play defense, too old for Kobe to score 30 points a night. I doubt that this will stop them this year. Pau Gasol is arguably the best big in basketball overall, and with Bynum's inevitable return, the length and strength that has defined Lake City for the past few years will return. The only team that can contend with them out west is the Spurs, and they are old too. Their aging process is great news for the rest of the NBA for the next few seasons. The Celtics and Lakers will be in demise, and the West and East will again be open for serious competition. I still believe that this Lakers team will win the Finals this year, but we can see their future slipping away before our eyes. God bless old age, and God bless everyone.

Good News Everyone!

Any night in which Jerry Sloan ties (read: will soon beat -- which should scare Spoelstra) Pat Riley and Booby Gibson sets a career record is a night worth fighting for. I'm not saying the Jazz are back, baby. I'm just saying that career nights are nice and that they accumulate from forgettable nights (including nights in which you forgot how to guard the three), baby. Huzahs all around! Now, on to Lenny Wilkins.

First Annual All Dinosaur Team: Pt. 3 Brontosaurus

The brontosaurus, despite an apparent name change by the dynamic and frenetic field of dinosaur naming, has finally ground out the long sought-after and ruthlessly earned starting position on the first annual dinosaur team through Kevin Durrant. These majestic beasts have been material for many soft and cuddly children movies, but do not mistake them for the gentle giants that they appear to be. According to recent computer modeling, brontosauruses could crack their tails with so much force that the resulting sound would be as loud as cannon fire.
Furthermore, these were some of the largest animals ever to roam the earth. The weighed as much as four elephants combined.


What does this have to do with Kevin Durrant, the man crowned as the next great in basketball? Plenty. First, each has tremendous length. Durrant is 6'10" but his arms allow him to play like a center around the rim instead of the small forward that he is registered as. Second, both Durant and the bronto possess a certain elegance. On the court, Durant is able to soar by defenders and shoot the outside shots with equal grace while I imagine a brontosaurus' movements to be well-coordinated and free-flowing. Third, I believe that they each exist on a similar hierarchical level within their various biological orders. While never registering as a top-tier dinosaur, the brontosaurus is consistently included in the top two or three most iconic and prolific of these gigantic monsters. Similarly, KD began this season as the top MVP candidate everywhere, and has since gone to not even mentioned at all on most lists. Although many will disagree with me, I believe that he is an excellent player but will never rule any generation of basketball, much like a Reggie Miller. He will always be at the top of a scouting report, but never the best player in the league. The NBA is just too talented and Kevin needs better teammates, despite his constant blather about the Thunder and THEIR players.


Lastly, looks may be deceiving. The Brontosaurus appears to be incredibly formidable, but it eats mostly leaves. Durrant has received so much praise for his camaraderie, but I find it contrived and created. He says precisely the right things too often that I must doubt his sincerity. Furthermore, at some fundamental level, he strikes me as softer than Dwayne Wade, Kobe Bryant, or Dwight Howard. He thus earns a comparison to an herbivore. I believe that he needs at least two or three more carnivores on his team before they are championship caliber. Imagine, though, if a T-Rex or a velociraptor teamed up with a brontosaurus? The combination of length and grace with ferocity and blood-lust would certainly win a few championships. It's too bad that the captain of the dinosaur team moved elsewhere...

Bad News Jazz

Is it time to panic for Jazz fans? I'm not sure that I would go that far, but I have been very disappointed with this team since we went on a 7 game win streak. We look much more similar to how we started the season than the resilient team that fought back from deficits and beat bad teams by a lot. We are not rebounding, particularly big Al. I know that he plays better defense than Boozer, but if he doesn't rebound, it doesn't matter. We are consistently getting killed on the boards. Our offense now relies almost entirely on Williams playing out of his mind, which he cannot do every single night. We need to make some serious adjustments moving forward.

Why Basketball is a Superior Sport to Football

I'll keep this brief and outline three reasons that I believe basketball is better:

1. Football players must wear helmets, and can thus never earn unique dinosaur, bond villain, or rapper comparisons.
2. Although football may considered more of a "thinking man's game", whatever that is supposed to mean (Hi Zuck), the ability to quickly change strategy and tactics in basketball allows for a more dynamic in-game experience. Yes, football has the advantage of more plays, more players, and more degrees of freedom so to speak, but this complexity also adds a level of obscurity. If a coach wants to make an adjustment, he probably has to do so relatively slowly through a number of coordinators and secondary coaches. In basketball, these changes can occur in a matter or seconds.
3. Basketball will eventually ruin ankles and knees, joints and cartilage. Football will eventually ruin spines and necks, brains and lives. Vote basketball!

New Williams Nickname

As I've written before, I hate the association's current crop of nicknames with a passion (except for Blake Griffin's nickname, the Big Zuckerberg). I particularly hate Deron Williams' nickname D-Will. His endorsement of it, in tattoo form, is one of the only things about him that gives me doubts. Luckily, I have a solution to everybody's woes: tax breaks! Just kidding. I've got a new nickname, Most Valuable Player. It's a name Hollinger's Estimated Wins Added and Value Added statistics have already endorsed and, according to my hunches, one Maurice Brooks will endorse soon. In addition to his current 3 streak of 30 point games and his other worldly game play, he has the distinct advantage of who else is there. No one else is doing much. The Magic (and Dwight by extention) are (sorry, is) under-performing, Nowitzki can't keep his pace up, Gasol's tired, and no one else is as valuable to their team as Deron is to his. This has a very good chance of happening if the Jazz finish in the top 3 in the West, and Deron keeps up his game level. The only problem may be that voters decide to reward the Jazz outdoing modest expectations by giving Sloan a much deserved Coach of the Year nod. These prizes seem to work like Oscars: some guy might get the best director Oscar because the Academy felt his film was the runner-up, not because he actually directed the best thing. That's a potential negative. But there's still the question of who they give the award to. This guy?

On Miami At Cleveland

Last night the basketball world turned it's collective attention to Cleveland. Everyone was wondering the same thing, could LeBron James, after having humiliated his team and abandoned all his fans, return to his old team to kick the shit out of them just for good measure? The answer, thankfully, was yes. LeBron James came out to play with a mental toughness that he could not bring to Boston, New Orleans, Charlotte, Dallas, Memphis, Orlando, or against the Jazz or Pacers in his own court. I feel much better, however, knowing that he had the bravery to mercilessly beat the shit out of an eastern team that won't make the playoffs in a city with little going for it where they used to worship him. Having the kind of toughness necessary to beat the Celtics and the Lakers? Well, that's beyond James and friends. But give them credit, they justified the off-season Miami deal by winning a game, much like how the '96 bulls justified Jordan's return by challenging North Carolina to a basketball game... and winning! Or how a man justifies his rage towards another man by finding that man's kid and beating the shit out of him. Congrats guys, we knew you were winners!