New Feature: Craig Bolerjack Quote of the Night

If you're a Jazz fan and have ever watched the Jazz on TV then you've been subject to the tragicomic ejaculations that come out of Craig Bolerjack's mouth (also the guttural noises, but those are hard to reproduce in text). Bolerjack is a man's man, but unfortunately not a smart man's man, or a smart man's sports man's man. His understanding of basketball is limited to the phrases, "he stops, pops" and "buckle up." Bolerjack is, however, a funny guy, and we intend to honor him, misunderstandings and all, by posting a quote of the night from last night's Jazz game. This will be a very regular feature as Craig always says something quotable. Last night, when the Jazz shook off a ridiculously lethargic start and began to take it to the Clipper's in the second half, Bollerjack proclaimed to all the world what every Jazz fan was thinking:

"Put the alarm bell on because he's awake." - Craig Bolerjack 12/29/2010. Agreed.

The Who's Who of Christmas, part 2

And now, dear readers, that it is no longer Christmas, enjoy part 2 of our single sentence descriptors of NBA teams.

1. Dallas- One last title run before the grave.





















2. Denver- With Melo and lady Melo eyeing Brooklyn, all this team has to look forward to are the days when Chauncey becomes an assistant coach.





























3. Golden State- Granted, watching Curry and Ellis play is like watching NBA jam players who are on fire run around, but that doesn't explain why they have nearly as many nationally televised games as wins.






















4. Houston Rockets- Not even triple platinum advanced statistics can explain why Kevin Martin's wacky shot will always drop.

































5. Los Angeles (lesser)- Aminu? Bledsoe? Griffin? Is one of the most promising young groups enough to overcome two decades of late night comedy jokes and this guy?




















6. Los Angeles (greater)- I know I'm going out on a limb here, but I think these guys are a team to watch.









































7. Memphis- Just one Lakers trade away from really having something.






















8. Minnesota- One of sports' most fascinating stories in 2011 will be the boxing match between Kevin Love and Michael Beasley in one corner and David Kahn in another: the former will try to help a young team flourish while the latter tries to destroy it from the inside.



















9. New Orleans- A disappointing reversion to the mean for the hornets cannot bring Seattle's spirits down; NBA ownership is the best news since the drafting of Durant.




















10. Oklahoma City- These kids are alright.



















11. Phoenix- Making Carter and Gortat into All-Star players is nothing for the undying vampire-emperor Drac that you mortals know as Steve Nash.


































12. Portland- Second team should still make the playoffs, first team should beat all the other hospital patients in a game of pickup.
























13. Sacramento- My condolences to the Kings for the early death of Tyreke Evans; in lieu of flowers the team has asked that you send cash.





















14. San Antonio- Divorce, no Bowen, new players -- nothing can stop the unstoppable and I for one salute our new overlords.




























15. Utah- Comeback? We been here for mad years.

The Who's Who of Christmas, part 1

Feeling the Christmas spirit, we here at tgrtns felt it necessary to traverse through the NBA and discuss each team's season with a single-sentence descriptor. Enjoy!

1. Atlanta- Mediocrity returns with a vengeance.
2. Boston- Rappers steppin' to me, they want a brick son, but I'm the chef, my price is 26 son.

3. Charlotte- Disappointment breeds contempt.

4. Chicago- Thibodeau for COY, unfortunately.

5. Cleveland- LeBron's supporting cast should be good for 30 wins this year.






6. Detroit- Besides Charlie V. offering to fight Kevin G., arguably the most boring team in the league.


7. Indiana- Great Granger, perfunctory pacers.

8. Miami- LeBron is neither so evil, nor so selfish, just a little dumb.




9. Milwaukee- Fear the injury.


10. New Jersey- New coach, new owner, new future city...נו?

11. New York- The NBA's best 2010-2011 renaissance story for one of its best cities.



12. Orlando- It didn't work the first time, but why not give big blue a second chance?

13. Philadelphia- Too soon to say, but the sixers might sneak into the playoffs this year.


14. Toronto- "Boshless Charity Squad"-Matt Palzkillah


15. Washington- Most hyped rookie to not even mentioned among top three (but boy, can he dance).

The Magic Poem Christmas Post

A Poem for "Magic";
for Earvin "Magic" Johnson, Donell Reid, and Richard Franklin

By Quincy Troupe

take it to the hoop, "magic" johnson
take the ball dazzling down the open lane
herk & jerk & raise your six foot nine inch
frame into air sweating screams of your neon name
"magic" johnson, nicknamed "windex" way back in high school
'cause you wiped glass blackboards so clean
where you first juked & shook
& wiled your way to glory
a new styled fusion of shake & bake energy
using everything possible you created your own space
to fly through -- any moment now we expect your wings
to spread feathers for that spooky take-off of yours
then shake & glide till you hammer home
a clotheslining deuce off glass
now, come back down with a reverse hoodoo gem
of the spin, & stick it in sweet popping nets
clean from twenty feet right side

put the ball on the floor, "magic"
slide the dribble behind our back, ease it deftly
between your bony stork legs, head bobbing everwhichaway
up & down, you see everything on the court, off the high
yoyo patter, stop & go dribble, you shoot
a threading needle rope pass sweet home to kareem
cutting through the lane, his skyhook pops the cords
now lead the fastbreak, hit jamaal on the fly
now blindside a behind the back pinpointpass for two more
off the fake, looking the other way
you raise off balance into tense space
sweating chants of your name, turn 360 degrees
on the move your legs scissoring space like a swimmer's
yoyoing motion in deep water, stretching out now
towards free flight, you double pump through human trees
hang in place, slip the ball into your left hand
then deal it like a Las Vegas card dealer off squared glass
into nets living up your singular nickname, so "bad"
you cartwheel the crowd towards frenzy
wearing now your electric smile, neon as your name

in victory we suddenly sense your glorious uplift
your urgent need to be champion
& so we cheer, rejoicing with you for this quicksilver, quicksilver, quicksilver
moment of fame, so put the ball on the floor again, "magic"
juke & dazzle, shaking & baking down the lane
take the sucker to the hoop, "magic" johnson
recreate reverse hoodoo gems off the spin
deal alley-oop-dunk-a-thon-magician passes, now
double-pump, scissor, vamp through space, hang in place
& put it all in the sucker's face, "magic" johnson
& deal the roundball like the juju man that you am
like the shonuff shaman man that you am
"magic," like the shonuff spaceman you am

Thursday's Top Ten

Welcome to our top ten stories of the week! This is the first installment of what we hope to be a long and fruitful collection of interesting and important stories around the Association and its environs.

1. Obama helps navigate many, many bills/treaties through congress, and Collins gushes again. Doesn't he play basketball too?

2. Larry Brown "retires".

3. Big A.J. records a career high in blocks and the Jazz manage to hold Kevin Love to under 20 rebounds. No LeBron treatment, because A.J. is no LeBron.



4. The Celtics do nothing but win, despite missing half of their team. Anyone think that they can win 70?

5. Kobe Bryant's knee fluid receives what many consider long-overdue recognition.

6. Coach Sloan moves up in most all-time wins and attributes it to anyone and anything but his steady coaching.

7. Freedarko manages in one paragraph, literally, to mention "capitalism", "undeniable racial tension", "rags-to-riches-trajectory", and "American tropes". What prompted the authors to combine every major theme of their blog at once? An analysis of the tense relationship between James and Wade, as evidenced by two sentences the stars spoke to each other in the locker room.

8. In their defense, check out this tremendously entertaining video of JaVale McGee, particularly the last 15 seconds.

9. Carmelo appears to be a goner. Prokhorov takes another step toward world domination through basketball.

10. Dinosaurs: don't call it a comeback.

The Future of the Lakers

Is it time to panic if you are a Lakers fan? Yes, because you are a Lakers fan, but no, because they will be fine this season. After watching them get lit up on their own court and seeing them register a paltry 13 points in the fourth quarter, I realized the problem. They are old. Too old to play defense, too old for Kobe to score 30 points a night. I doubt that this will stop them this year. Pau Gasol is arguably the best big in basketball overall, and with Bynum's inevitable return, the length and strength that has defined Lake City for the past few years will return. The only team that can contend with them out west is the Spurs, and they are old too. Their aging process is great news for the rest of the NBA for the next few seasons. The Celtics and Lakers will be in demise, and the West and East will again be open for serious competition. I still believe that this Lakers team will win the Finals this year, but we can see their future slipping away before our eyes. God bless old age, and God bless everyone.

Good News Everyone!

Any night in which Jerry Sloan ties (read: will soon beat -- which should scare Spoelstra) Pat Riley and Booby Gibson sets a career record is a night worth fighting for. I'm not saying the Jazz are back, baby. I'm just saying that career nights are nice and that they accumulate from forgettable nights (including nights in which you forgot how to guard the three), baby. Huzahs all around! Now, on to Lenny Wilkins.

First Annual All Dinosaur Team: Pt. 3 Brontosaurus

The brontosaurus, despite an apparent name change by the dynamic and frenetic field of dinosaur naming, has finally ground out the long sought-after and ruthlessly earned starting position on the first annual dinosaur team through Kevin Durrant. These majestic beasts have been material for many soft and cuddly children movies, but do not mistake them for the gentle giants that they appear to be. According to recent computer modeling, brontosauruses could crack their tails with so much force that the resulting sound would be as loud as cannon fire.
Furthermore, these were some of the largest animals ever to roam the earth. The weighed as much as four elephants combined.


What does this have to do with Kevin Durrant, the man crowned as the next great in basketball? Plenty. First, each has tremendous length. Durrant is 6'10" but his arms allow him to play like a center around the rim instead of the small forward that he is registered as. Second, both Durant and the bronto possess a certain elegance. On the court, Durant is able to soar by defenders and shoot the outside shots with equal grace while I imagine a brontosaurus' movements to be well-coordinated and free-flowing. Third, I believe that they each exist on a similar hierarchical level within their various biological orders. While never registering as a top-tier dinosaur, the brontosaurus is consistently included in the top two or three most iconic and prolific of these gigantic monsters. Similarly, KD began this season as the top MVP candidate everywhere, and has since gone to not even mentioned at all on most lists. Although many will disagree with me, I believe that he is an excellent player but will never rule any generation of basketball, much like a Reggie Miller. He will always be at the top of a scouting report, but never the best player in the league. The NBA is just too talented and Kevin needs better teammates, despite his constant blather about the Thunder and THEIR players.


Lastly, looks may be deceiving. The Brontosaurus appears to be incredibly formidable, but it eats mostly leaves. Durrant has received so much praise for his camaraderie, but I find it contrived and created. He says precisely the right things too often that I must doubt his sincerity. Furthermore, at some fundamental level, he strikes me as softer than Dwayne Wade, Kobe Bryant, or Dwight Howard. He thus earns a comparison to an herbivore. I believe that he needs at least two or three more carnivores on his team before they are championship caliber. Imagine, though, if a T-Rex or a velociraptor teamed up with a brontosaurus? The combination of length and grace with ferocity and blood-lust would certainly win a few championships. It's too bad that the captain of the dinosaur team moved elsewhere...

Bad News Jazz

Is it time to panic for Jazz fans? I'm not sure that I would go that far, but I have been very disappointed with this team since we went on a 7 game win streak. We look much more similar to how we started the season than the resilient team that fought back from deficits and beat bad teams by a lot. We are not rebounding, particularly big Al. I know that he plays better defense than Boozer, but if he doesn't rebound, it doesn't matter. We are consistently getting killed on the boards. Our offense now relies almost entirely on Williams playing out of his mind, which he cannot do every single night. We need to make some serious adjustments moving forward.

Why Basketball is a Superior Sport to Football

I'll keep this brief and outline three reasons that I believe basketball is better:

1. Football players must wear helmets, and can thus never earn unique dinosaur, bond villain, or rapper comparisons.
2. Although football may considered more of a "thinking man's game", whatever that is supposed to mean (Hi Zuck), the ability to quickly change strategy and tactics in basketball allows for a more dynamic in-game experience. Yes, football has the advantage of more plays, more players, and more degrees of freedom so to speak, but this complexity also adds a level of obscurity. If a coach wants to make an adjustment, he probably has to do so relatively slowly through a number of coordinators and secondary coaches. In basketball, these changes can occur in a matter or seconds.
3. Basketball will eventually ruin ankles and knees, joints and cartilage. Football will eventually ruin spines and necks, brains and lives. Vote basketball!

New Williams Nickname

As I've written before, I hate the association's current crop of nicknames with a passion (except for Blake Griffin's nickname, the Big Zuckerberg). I particularly hate Deron Williams' nickname D-Will. His endorsement of it, in tattoo form, is one of the only things about him that gives me doubts. Luckily, I have a solution to everybody's woes: tax breaks! Just kidding. I've got a new nickname, Most Valuable Player. It's a name Hollinger's Estimated Wins Added and Value Added statistics have already endorsed and, according to my hunches, one Maurice Brooks will endorse soon. In addition to his current 3 streak of 30 point games and his other worldly game play, he has the distinct advantage of who else is there. No one else is doing much. The Magic (and Dwight by extention) are (sorry, is) under-performing, Nowitzki can't keep his pace up, Gasol's tired, and no one else is as valuable to their team as Deron is to his. This has a very good chance of happening if the Jazz finish in the top 3 in the West, and Deron keeps up his game level. The only problem may be that voters decide to reward the Jazz outdoing modest expectations by giving Sloan a much deserved Coach of the Year nod. These prizes seem to work like Oscars: some guy might get the best director Oscar because the Academy felt his film was the runner-up, not because he actually directed the best thing. That's a potential negative. But there's still the question of who they give the award to. This guy?

On Miami At Cleveland

Last night the basketball world turned it's collective attention to Cleveland. Everyone was wondering the same thing, could LeBron James, after having humiliated his team and abandoned all his fans, return to his old team to kick the shit out of them just for good measure? The answer, thankfully, was yes. LeBron James came out to play with a mental toughness that he could not bring to Boston, New Orleans, Charlotte, Dallas, Memphis, Orlando, or against the Jazz or Pacers in his own court. I feel much better, however, knowing that he had the bravery to mercilessly beat the shit out of an eastern team that won't make the playoffs in a city with little going for it where they used to worship him. Having the kind of toughness necessary to beat the Celtics and the Lakers? Well, that's beyond James and friends. But give them credit, they justified the off-season Miami deal by winning a game, much like how the '96 bulls justified Jordan's return by challenging North Carolina to a basketball game... and winning! Or how a man justifies his rage towards another man by finding that man's kid and beating the shit out of him. Congrats guys, we knew you were winners!

We Killed The Heat: You're Welcome Cleveland

Two years ago, an injured Jazz team went on a February tear, going 15 and 1 and winning 12 in a row. Everyone started to talk about the Jazz being the best kept secret, a team everyone had slept on that would actually be able to put up a very big fight. Then the Jazz lost to the Atlanta Hawks. That loss set them back a little, but they rose to fight on. The next team on their schedule was the Miami Heat, an only OK team. The Jazz, who at this point were not adept at ever winning away from Salt Lake (or crushing bad teams), took a lead and seemed like they would hold on down the stretch. But they failed. Committing turn-over after turn-over, failing to score on fast-breaks, and a general lack of killer instinct allowed the Jazz to let the Heat back into the game late in the fourth. The same thing happened in overtime number 1: we got up early, failed to hold on, Dwayne Wade scored a gillion (actually, just 50). And, amazingly, again in overtime number 2. Then, in overtime 3, the Heat ran away with it. I knew, frantically reloading the gamecast on my computer screen, that we had just suffered a devastating blow, one that had destroyed our season. We limped through some more games but could never recover the magic of February and ultimately exited the playoffs in the first round.

That was a blow to the Jazz, but one we ultimately recovered from, as evidenced by our recent play. Now we're so good we've gone for revenge. Early on in this season the Heat lost to the Celtics and the Hornets. Everyone wrote off the Celtics loss as the first game and the Hornets loss as a really close game against the hottest team in the league. People were still talking 70 wins. But then the Jazz came to Miami and, coming back from so far behind it seemed they couldn't see the Heat, let alone catch them, the Jazz coolly iced them on a Millsap career night. Up until that point the Heat had been congealing into a really good team. They completely joked on the Magic, shutting them down harder than Boston or LA could and, apparently (in games I didn't watch), did similar things to other teams that would get laughed out of the West. But after the Jazz took it to them people started to grumble, asking if the 70 wins, Finals in five, scenario might be more fantasy than reality. And that seems anathema to the guys on that team: their Kryptonite is being questioned. As soon as it began they proceeded to loose to every single team with a record better than .500. The Heat were always going to be met with a lot of vitriol, but they could have buckled down and welcomed it, much like the guys from the youtube video I am currently obsessed with would have. Instead, they have begun a circular firing squad. It seems like LeBron or his people have leaked his displeasure with Spoelstra to the press and that any day now, Mike Brown will be the Heat's head coach (ESPN will be setting up a Spoelstra suicide watch very soon).

This team will go through some very public pain and may be forced to trade one of the much hyped big three. All because an unheard about Millsap (Knapp sack) went off against an otherwise tightly controlled defense. Which now can't defend to save it's life. Defense is all about trust and chemistry, knowing that when you block the lane or switch up your teammate will come in and pick up your guy. The Heat used to have that, they don't anymore. While they unravel, we keep rolling, beating a Lakers team firing on almost all cylinders, and having fun. As Dwayne Wade smugly put it after murdering the Jazz in 09, "Just another day at the office." As was his loss in Dallas. I think this Heat team will improve and end the season at 50 wins, losing in the second round of the playoffs. There will be a time when this seems brash and cocky, but right now the Heat are hurting. And if they fire Spoelstra they could be hurting a lot more before they're feeling good. So, for now, you're welcome Cleveland, hope you too get a chance to kick 'em while they're down on Thursday. To Miami I respectfully give this advice: if you want to stop being kicked then stop going to the office, stop bitching about each other, stop letting your egos inflate like you just won a championship, and thug up.

Panic?

As an addendum to C's excellent advice post I wanted to offer one of my own. I think its fair to say to Jazz fans that they shouldn't panic. We shouldn't celebrate emphatically, as we're likely the league's ninth best team or so, but panicking is not a good idea, given how crazy this summer was and how (relatively) painlessly our team seems to have adapted. There are other teams out there, however, and their fates don't seem to be looking as good. So my question is which teams performing below expectations should begin to panic? The Rockets are missing Mao, but are, in theory anyway, deep enough that that shouldn't matter. Nevertheless, their record is the second worst in the West (tied with Philadelphia's for the worst in the East). The Trailblazers, while still managing to sort of play decently due to a great set of role players, are missing their two stars to injury, maybe forever. And the Heat have drastically underperformed given the hope that they would be best team ever (still possible if they go on a 65-3 run).

With Minnesota, Washington, New Jersey, the Kings, and the Clippers seeming better than they have in years past (sorry Raptors) we might be finally entering an era of pretty evenly distributed basketball talent. It could be a basketball dominated by a few teams at the top, but not as dominated as it has been in recent years. That's good news for the fine people of Minnesota and the future fine people of Brooklyn, but bad news for those in Portland, Houston, and Miami that thought they would dominate. Do these problems seem bad only by dint of the natural overreaction that comes with limited data? Or are they actually damning? In other words is it time to chill or panic? And if so, should each team panic equally, or is Portland particularly screwed? Only two votes in 6 days will decide (see sidebar).

Chill!

It's officially the August of the the NBA season. Nothing crucially important is happening yet, so we as fans are allowed to overreact to each non-story with a fervent passion. Yet I wonder if this is bad for our collective health. It might be more valuable to relax, at least until there is something worth getting passionate about. I follow the Jazz most closely so I'll stick with them. Let's look at our record:

@Denver, Phoenix, @Oklahoma City, Toronto, @Golden State, Los Angeles (Clips), @Miami, @Orlando, @Atlanta, @Charlotte, Oklahoma City, New Jersey, San Antonio, @Portland, Sacramento.

Imagine that it is pre-season. Oklahoma City is crazy hyped, Portland hopes to have Greg Oden back soon, and Miami looks terrifying. No one in her right mind would have us not losing at least five games. This is a tough schedule, and given the historic slow starts, 7-8 might be more accurate. Yet, we triumphed over many of the best Eastern conference teams, and in dramatic fashion. We crushed OKC on their own home court. Things went well and now we sit 6th in the West, 2nd in our division, and with only improvement to look forward to. The rebounding has been awful for a few games, but do you really expect a Sloan-coached to maintain that? Of course not. Things will get better, so in the meantime, chill. Enjoy the most entertaining road trip of all time, enjoy beating up on younger-bro Wesley Matthews, and just wait because this Jazz team will only get better.

Vational Nalidation

Today, Bill Simmons echoed something this blog has firmly believed all season: the Jazz can (and hopefully will) be the second best team out west. He puts it nicely: we have all the ingredients of a successful team. A good perimeter defender, someone to score three-pointers (I hope we'll get there), someone to score in the low post, and someone to be unbelievable when the game is on the line. I think we can have all these things come December or January. Until then, we'll be battling the broken Blazers for supremacy of our division.

It's a hard-knock life

The recent news of Greg Oden's latest season-ending injury made me realize how tough the NBA can be. As a fan, you place your desperate hopes in the hands of a few athletes, only to have them let you down (unless you are from Boston or L.A.) As a player, you want to succeed and have dreamed of winning championships and beating buzzers since you were a little child, only to get injured and become possibly the second biggest disappointment in draft-choice history (come on, Portland!).

Then again, it could be a lot worse. You could be one of the other 6 billion people who are not athletes and never receive the accolade or economic benefits that these guys do. In conclusion, sorry Greg, best of luck to you. Hope that knee holds up for other purposes.

The Best Thing Ever?: A Video Essay

According to Elias, via the TrueHoop blog, via the delightful folk at The Basketball Jones, the Utah Jazz are the first team to come back from being ten points down in the second half to win three times in a row in the modern era (meaning, in this case, post introduction of the shot clock). That they did so after deficits of 18, 22, and 18 is impressive in itself. But that they did so on back to back games against two of the leagues top five teams, makes things all the sweeter. Beating the Heat was especially sweet (I can't wait to tweet, what a treat) and ridiculously improbable event. The Jazz's final output in regulation, during which they scored 14 points in 28 seconds, had they done that well all game would have them scoring 1,440. According to Hollinger, the odds of Williams, Kirilenko, and especially Millsap scoring their last 3s was 1 in 873. There's, of course, the fact that Millsap had never really taken 3s and that Miami dared him to do so, leaving a career 2 for 20 shooter open again and again. But none of these numbers hold a candle to actually seeing the performance:



Unbelievably awesome. The Jazz are down 8 and hit 3 after 3 as Miami misses only 3 of 11 free throws. After Millsap's last 3, Williams fouled out before the ball was even in play. So the Jazz had to play the last few seconds and all of overtime without him. Sloan had also decided to bench Jefferson, who was having a week night. And, at the end of the game, Fesenko took himself out, feeling that his free throw percentage was too risky and might cost the Jazz the game. So they finished things out with AK, CJ, Price, Millsap, and Elson out there. Sloan also coached the shit out of that shit. Pulling Jefferson at the right time, managing the clock brilliantly, and playing zone at the end to force Eddie House into taking a 3 with .4 seconds left. He played the zone again last night, which crippled Miami. I'm not sure why, but it seems like the Jazz have learned how to play it.

The awesome win against Miami came after Raja Bell gave a very inspiring speech to the troops at halftime, filled with discussions of heart, being underdogs, and other cliched sports things. In other words, filled with things that the FreeDarko group might disdain. But in their defense, they get results. What makes it so sweet I can barely keep it down, is that the Jazz lost in Miami back in 09, in a game during which they were up by several in the last few seconds. I remember watching that game on gamecast, and sickeningly believing the Jazz had put it away, only to see them blow it, blow it again in overtime, and then lose outright in overtime number 2. So, symbolically, this is huge. Beating the best team (eh, maybe 2nd best), at home, on a crazy comeback, to potentially spark a season as revenge for a season sunk in the same building? Come on, it's too sweet, even for you. What's also sweet is how many, shall I say, fair weather fans left the building at halftime and how many more did with 28 seconds left when they thought it was all over. Here's some Jazz comeback footage:



And here's some footage of their improbable victory against the Magic last night:



So why wasn't it the best thing ever? Well, Tracy McGrady did a similar thing to another team that was really, really good at defense. And while the Miami Heat are the most hated guys right now, and Millsap will probably get more credit for his destruction, the Spurs were actually defending.



Man, that guy's like the next Kobe! Anyway, as far as best things ever go, this recent Jazz development, good as it was, can still not hold a candle to this:


(H/T: Owen)

Defending Garnett from Bloggers, If Not The Fine People of Detroit

In a blogpost that begins with the history of Egypt under various occupying forces and continues through a discussion on the invention and uses of the cotton gin, a meditation on grammy interrupting performance artists, the transformative effects sports can have on San Francisco, and some other bullshit about the author's personal relationship to sports and how much Beth Shoals has helped him (I may have skimmed this), Jay from freedarko concludes about Kevin Garnett, "Why can’t we just call an asshole an asshole every time he acts like an asshole? What the fuck do we owe Kevin Garnett?"

For those who don't know, according to Charlie Villanueva's twitter feed, Kevin Garnett called him a cancer patient during a recent Celtics Pistons game. For those of you who further don't know (as I didn't until this time) Villanueva has Alopecia Universalis. Its a good thing our Dinosaur concept is dead. This guy was going to be our 4 and I feel like its kind of a cheap shot to make fun of someone's looks if they suffer from a look affecting disease (its probably only slightly less unfair to make fun of someone's looks if they have weird cheekbones or whatever, but you gotta make fun of someone -- if you don't, they'll make fun of you). For the same reason, that such a disease is likely to be a really sore spot and off limits to mockery, Kevin Garnett, if he said what CV says he said, crossed a line. But is he an asshole? And should we call him an asshole when he acts like an asshole? And, if so, should we do it once, or every time? Also, I'm a little confused as to what we owe Garnett. Fornication?

Beth Shoals also gets in on the discussion a little bit himself, rending his hair and lamenting that this callous beast and the beloved Garnett of yore are one and the same. This means, he reluctantly concludes, he'll have to reexamine his love for the old Garnett (and one can only assume based on the seriousness of his tone, his religion, career, and entire life philosophy).

This guy I've never heard of (what a wonderful basketball blogging community member I am) has a pretty good take-down of Jay's argument. To which I don't have all that much to add. I think its definitely true that Garnett is owed some deference for his genuineness with Bill Russell and his painful, frustrated, end-of-his-rope, somewhat self-serving, but weirdly touching interview with John Thompson (those things, to me, speak very highly of his character and his genuine feelings for history and team, respectively). Similarly, it seems silly to deny that his spirit and abilities have radically rejuvenated Boston's defense and made it a perrenial contender for best team in the NBA. But even ignoring all that, Garnett is just plain fun. Going beyond any personal qualities or feelings towards his teams, there is just something awesome about watching him play. Its similar to what's awesome about that Soy Bomb guy: you are highly entertained, on the edge of your seat, unsure of what exactly you're seeing, and nervous that the crazy behavior is about to escalate to something dangerous. This is mixed with the kind of adrenaline rush I normally get when a good guy shoots a bad guy after delivering a badass line in a movie. But the difference between Garnett and Eastwood in Unforgiven is that its just basketball, never anything too serious; and the difference between Garnett and SOY BOMB is that its basketball: instead of just dancing like a madman, Garnett is dancing like a madman (rhetorically, he's actually hitting himself, the floor, a pole, or rejecting a shot after the clock has run out) after having accomplished a very amazing physical feat, often when a basketball game is on the line.

I think this alone makes him fascinating and easily one of the most interesting guys in the league (I also think he's got a great personality, but that's beyond the point). Unfortunately all that insane swagger that leads him to talk trash, cry on tv, and inflict massive harm on himself and the basket, may lead him to cross the line against Charlie V (and likely others), for which he should, if guilty, apologize and say something about the heat of the game having gotten too intense (he shouldn't have denied it if it was true, never a good decision). Oddly, many have come out in Garnett's defense, but for the wrong reasons, saying basketball trash-talk is too sacred for twitter. This doesn't seem right. There should be a little public shame, perhaps, and then we should move on. We should not demand that Garnett strip himself of personality and antics. We already have a Tim Duncan, whose interviews I will watch as soon as this is posted to cure my insomnia. What the fuck do we owe Kevin Garnett? Appreciation for having entertained us, in more ways than one. Which is why I watch sports. On those merits I think Garnett is one of the best, if not the best, guy around.

The Suns Remain The Same

Although D'Antoni has not been the Suns' head coach for a few years now, and Amare has joined him in New York, the Suns are still playing their exciting kind of 7 second basketball. The Suns were a big question mark when this season started and many (including us) didn't see them making the playoffs. That may still be the case, but I have watched all three of the Suns' games so far this year and I think (with the exception of some slightly iffier than normal 3s and the pale shadow of Robin Lopez's finishing an easy pass compared to Stoudemire's) that they are essentially playing the same Sun 'n Gun basketball. What's fascinating is that they continue to play this kind of basketball even when they're playing their second unit and none of the players from their old glory days are in the game (they are also missing Kerr, their old CEO and GM, and whoever preceded him in those positions). It's very eerie, as if the spirit of the old Suns has somehow come to command the bodies of the new players. But where is this spirit located? Is it in the building, the climate, something in Arizona's water, is it the noise made by the boisterous fans, or something the coaching staff under Gentry teaches? Undoubtedly the last of those has something to do with it, but I can't help but think that part of the answer lies in Nash's passes (the name of my upcoming country album).



I mean, if you're receiving passes like that (and, if you have the athletic ability), then you can't help but play crazy, NBA Jam style basketball, right? Similarly, you can't help but play troubling at best defense as your expending most of your energy on offense and moving to quick to get into the firm positions good defense requires. (Note about the above video, please watch on mute.) I think one player and those who have played with him can come to command a team's spirit, defining it for ages, even after he is gone. That seems to be the case with the Los Angeles Lakers, who contain many players I have rooted for in the past and who I reserve the right to root for again in the future. Get them under the leadership of Phil Jackson and the "example" of Kobe Bryant, however, and they turn into a bunch of fucking assholes. The lasting team spirit is a fascinating theory of NBA teams and one that will see a lot of testing this year, as the league has been shaken up so much, and so many teams now have the opportunity to grow in new directions, remain the same, or wither on the vine. These are exciting times, dear readers; whether they mark the end of days or the rebirth of basketball Eden is, at this point, anyone's guess. I will keep you posted as I uncover more.

Impression, Jazz

As a Jazz fan, these first two games have been tough to watch. The disappointed and defeated look of Williams as the brutal game finally ground to a halt was quite telling. But what can we really conclude from two games, and is it time to panic?

Panic!:
-Al Jefferson's slow lateral movement is a concern. Hakim Warrick killed us last night (Warrick?!) on the pick and roll. He looked less Hakim and more Amare. This will be a problem, particularly against the Suns for the rest of the season I believe.
-The offense is abysmal. Our "sets" look less like a practiced, precise, and intentional offense and more like the way I play pick-up. At least in pick-up, though, some of us make our layups.
-The Jazz have lost by more than 10 points against two Western Conference teams that should not have been very formidable (Denver missing it's entire starting front-court and a reduced Phoenix).

Relax...:
-The defense (excluding Jefferson in pick-and-roll situations) has the looks of a serious and threatening unit. Raja Bell is an improvement over Wes, despite my fond feelings for the new Blazer. My favorite thing about "Ring Their Bell" Raja is that he is one tough dude. Last night, after getting knocked down by Warrick, he immediately got up and shoulder-checked him. Matthews was never that "nasty".
-The offense will pick up (hopefully). This team has seen a complete rebirth. The players are new, and it will take time. Come December, the nasty defense will still be there and the new players will learn the offense.

Conclusion:
I would say that I'm cautiously optimistic still, but if the Panics remain well into next week, my optimism will cool off faster than a Seattle November.

Fantasy League

Hi y'all. Many of those involved in this blog just signed up in a fantasy league (in fact, at 10, the league probably represents more than double our bloggership). I don't, as of yet, have any piercingly insightful comments about the state of fantasy basketball except that it offers up a stark vision of why stats aren't everything. Stephen Curry, and my first round pick, Danny Granger are considered elite fantasy players, whereas Derrick Rose is considered much worse than Chauncey Billups (but not as bad as the awful Tony Parker). While I'm not a huge Rose fan, I think this is a little silly. Eventually basketball, and fantasy as well, will be transformed by statistics that measure assists not by made baskets, but by high percentage shots and that measure abilities to draw doubles, fake, confuse, guard well, and other awesome things. Until then, however, Monta Ellis and Gerald Wallace are the men. Here's ESPN's ratings of the best fantasy players.

And Here's mine:

100 points, 100 posts, and 100 private prisons

Faithful readers:

We have achieved the goal of 100 posts. We would like to thank all of our readers, particularly those with middle names such as Miles. In honor of the century mark, we will explore themes that are connected to the number. First, I'll investigate whether Jordan could actually score 100 points. No, I actually won't. Why is this the headline all over the NBA community? This is worse than some August news (which, coincidentally, is the 100th month). What's far more important than worrying about whether this could actually happen is watching Michael Jordan's top-ten dunks (see first link) which should remind everyone that this beast is by far number 1 out of the top 100. In conclusion, we look forward to a season, the 100th in the NBA, that should be full of drama, hope/heartbreak, the rising and falling of the middle-teams, and some beautiful, awe-inspiring, excellent basketball.

Utah>Portland

For at least the 6th straight time, Deron Williams and the Jazz have defeated Portland. The many Roy jerseys and fervent love of everything Rose Garden I see in the northwest make this schadenfreude extra schaden (let's not even mention the freude). Some notes:

-Williams really knows how to get to the line and score more easy points per game (or he has finally reached the superstar status he has long deserved and will get mad calls next year).
-Jefferson clearly heard Sloan after last game and decided to shoot more. It did him well as he scored 14 on 50% shooting, and a surprisingly good 3 steals.
-Fesenko, after injuring another Portland center last week, scored 18 points on 70% shooting. Maybe he can now be credited with slaying two western playoff teams single-handedly?
-The Jazz continued toying with starting lineups and Miles performed well as a starter with 14 points.
-Gordon had a mediocre night with 4, 5 turns, and 20% shooting.

Anyway, Go Jazz!

Eastern Conference Predictions

If I may have your attention, I'd like to predict some playoffs.

1. The Heat: Apparently the Heat signed LeBron James and Chris Bosh over the summer. As another esteemed member of this blogging clique pointed out, whichever team signed LeBron (and maybe Bosh) would immediately switch places with the Cavs in conference standing. We all thought that would be the Nets or the Knicks. But it turned out to be the team that paid Dwayne Wade. Every night this team plays will be half an All-Star game, but with defense. Oh, also, LeBron really does seem to be mad this year and ready to take it out on the court, which may mean he channels another couple of angry guys who are DESTROYING AMERICA.

2. The Magic: The Magic were the second best team in the East last year and (against a Garnettless Celtics) the year before, too. Nothing has really happened to change that. They play a very good, but flawed game of basketball. One that can topple most teams, but not the league's 2 or 3 elites. The key to beating the Magic in the past has been two-fold: having a center quick and powerful enough to defend Howard (very rare in this league), and having guys who can get lay-ups so quickly that Howard will have to get into foul trouble to defend them. No team that lacked either of these components ever really had a shot. This year looks to be interesting in that the Heat cannot tackle the first horn of this dilemma, but can demolish the second with the force of an A-bomb. I think that this will lead these two teams to go at each other in a barn-burning, shoot-out filled Eastern Conference Finals. With the Magic hitting many threes and Howard slamming home glass rattling dunks while the Heat respond with ridiculous plays of their own. The albatross of Howard's fouls will eventually drag the Magic down in 6 (unless the Groundhog sees his shadow, then all bets are off).

3. The Celtics: Do the Celtics still have it? That depends on what you mean by 'it.' They are still a force to be reckoned with and never counted out (much like the Spurs from '05-'08). But, also like those Spurs, they are aging rapidly. They still have the beautiful defensive discipline that championships are made of, but without any player who is able to really create out of thin air, they are overly susceptible to the ebb and flow of basketball momentum. That means that if they ever hit some tough spots, which they will, they're sunk. Still one of my favorite teams of recent times, but no longer the Kobe-slayers of my dreams.

4. The Bulls: Utah East. The core is back, plus the much improved Jazz pieces of Brewer, Korver, and, above all, Boozer. These guys plus Rose and Noah could make for quite an awesome team. Unfortunately for them, Boozer's erratic talent will desert them during one of the winter months and he will, in all likelihood, get injured off some bullshit. Which is why, quite quickly in the second round, papi will get hit.

5. The Bucks: With Bogut back and Jennings (hopefully) enjoying the growth that comes with one's second season, last year's surprisingly likable upstarts (read Thunder East) might go even farther this year.

6. The Hawks: This team never really impressed me much last year (Mavericks East, just kidding, but seriously, I could do this all day... for a price) and their off-season "moves" seem to have justified my lack of interest. In my humble opinion, they just Knickerbockered themselves, right in the pants. Making sure a ridiculously bloated contract is on your books for years into the future is one of the best ways to end up at the bottom of the East's playoff list, or as its also known, Kings East.

7. The Bobcats: Just like last year... but in the future! This team, which I don't know all too well, has good defensive buzz, plus they're in the East, which is the most important qualification a team needs to have in order to qualify for the Eastern Conference NBA Playoffs .

8. The Wizards: I'm going to go out on a gamble here and say that this Wall kid is going to be very good. Like finally shutting some people up about Derek Rose good. That, plus Arenas coming back and proving himself against the naysayers -- his will be the 100 watt bulb to LeBron James' sun, will make this team good enough to get on the bottom of this prestigious list. Mark these the Warriors East.

That is all.

Western Conference Predictions

Here are the annual predictions for how the Western Conference will end up:

1. Lakers-The PG freebie will continue to pay dividends and the Lakers will remain on top.
2. Jazz-Overly optimistic? Certainly. I'm going to say that Big Al steps up and gets Boozer's 20-10 with an additional 1.2 blocks a game and Utah moves up to second in a tightly contested playoff race.
3. Blazers-I picked them in this position last year, and I'm hoping that they do not prove me wrong again.
4. Thunder-They will be good, but not that good.
5. Mavericks-Mark Cuban will make a number of trades and adjustments to see his team lose again. It helps when you don't fire Avery Johnson.
6. Nuggets-I see the Nuggets having another embarrassing first-round exit.
7. Hornets-Watching Paul's attempt to regain the crown of best PG in the league will be fantastic.
8. Spurs-They will succumb to the laws of aging and lose in the first round, but will still make the playoffs.

Inside the mind of the boss

The annual survey of what the NBA's general managers think came out today. The most important vote is clearly Deron Williams, who officially and for the first time surpassed Chris Paul as the best pg in the league, at least according to the guys who pay. This indicates that the Jazz had better be willing and able to shell out a max deal in a few years, because some other people certainly will. Interestingly, the GMs went with the general trend of jumping on the OKC bandwagon, first picking Durrant as the most likely MVP and second by picking the youngsters to win the Northwest division. They still agree (at least 68% of them) that LBJ is the best small forward, strangely enough. I'll say it right now, and you can mark it down for later: OKC is overrated. Durrant is amazing. They are a fun and explosive team. But I would be very surprised if they win the division and if Durrant wins the MVP. They are not great defensively and this division is home to the Jazz, Nuggets, and a potentially healthy Portland team (that owned them last year regardless). Sports fans (and apparently owners too) fall into a peculiar trap year after year. They choose the team that surprised everyone last year by making a small splash in the playoffs to be the best, or an up and coming star to really take over. I haven't seen an empirical analysis of this yet, but I would bet it is very rare that such a team (e.g. the Packers in the NFL this season) actually lives up to the hype. So in the meantime, we will welcome the Thunder anytime to SLC and it's best-in-the-league home court.

JA strikes again

This article by J.A. Adande is definitely worth reading if you haven't read it yet:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/trainingcamp10/columns/story?columnist=adande_ja&page=LeBronRace-101001

"James never felt compelled to address the league's racial element when everybody was an ally. No one wondered about the racial motivations of reporters and fans when they were writing praise and buying jerseys.That's because race doesn't affect acceptance, it affects tolerance. When people behave in a manner accepted by society at large they are easy for everyone to embrace."

Hate Up

Deron Williams told the press, “I hate the Lakers. They’re so good. I hate them because they win all the time. They’re a tough team. … We definitely talk about it. It’s not a secret. We hate the Lakers.”

I guess that's better than where we were a couple of years ago, but it doesn't leave me generally inspired. It strikes me as the kind of desperate, surrendering hate of a crazed populous movement whose members know they're about to loose at the polls. Or the kind of hate you might have for a guy who rudely pushes past you at a bar but could clearly kick your ass. You would love to yell at him and demand he develop some manners and apologize, but are unfortunately bound by the Nietzchean laws of physical morals: he who controls physical pain controls moral pleasure. -- the best revenge, they say, is living well. But I'll take this guy and his ability to inflict a Bad News Bear like ending in which Kobe at least gets knocked the fuck down and everyone runs off waving their middle fingers.

Easy Caricatures Becoming Reality Before Our Very Eyes

I can think of no better way to lose the American public than by telling them that race has something to do with their dislike of you. America is a country in which Race is a hugely touchy subject. Many white Americans realize that we have had racial problems in the past... and that it is therefore a very bad thing to be called racist. If you ever have a discussion in which you mention that they might see particular individuals as belonging to ethnic or other groups with certain negative characteristics, well, they'll flip they're shit. You can tell how unacceptable it is to be a racist because even the most extreme of characters will begin sentences "I'm no racist, but..." I think people put way too strong a point on this and that staunchly defending yourself from charges of racism is actually pretty counterproductive and leads to more racism and talking past one another, but it's the world we live in.

So when LeBron says things like this, I grimace. Right or wrong, that is something that many in this country will not abide (many think it is unfair that minorities can blame things that don't go their way on race, it's all in my forthcoming book Wu-Tang References, White America, Dinosaur Shaped Persons, and You). I don't blame LeBron too much, he made a stupid decision, both in terms of basketball and in terms of how he announced his stupid decision, but he's also a victim of ridiculous expectations and the slow news cycle of midsummer. What makes me grimace, however, is that all the silly caricatures of LeBron that began this summer -- in which he's a villain and what not -- are likely going to come true now. Making this race comment is a pretty sure fire way to continue the enmity with which LeBron has been met, and I can easily envision that going forward LeBron will view this bitterly. He'll think he gave them the winning team they thought they wanted, and they spat on him; so, why not become the villain they say he is? And he likely will. I can see it now, just like North Korea eventually became the 1950s American Caricature of itself.

Of course one day, if he wins, LeBron will be forgiven. You just have to look at the fawning coverage "folk" are giving to Vick while offering their dogs up for him to sign to know that LeBron will also one day enjoy more fawning. This is America, land of comebacks (and overly loud protest to accusations of racism, again, read my book). But I'm pretty sure that said fawning will come too late; LeBron will already have been the villain for too long, his mind irredeemably warped. Which is too bad. As we've seen with Rodman and Artest, the villain can be a fun guy to watch, but in the end his story is pretty sad. At least my evil LeBron James Halloween costume will make some sense this year, but not as much as it will make next year, and the year after that.

Dead Blog Walking

Kevin doin' work

In case anyone missed, check this ole' fly stuff. How awesome is team USA this year? Spanish basketball is also very, very good. Ricky Rubio does some things on the court that are simply ridiculous. Too bad he is still like the fifth best pg in that game (I'll give him more cred once he is not playing the US or when he plays in the US). Watching Kevin D. and a number of other good Americans is impressive. His mild and warm manner and beautiful game force me to reluctantly cheer for him, despite the fact that he is in the same division as the Jazz. He is pretty special and has moved up to number four in the league in my book. If only he were still in Seattle...

More on Malone: WBAJFIRG III

I've been watching a lot of Friday Night Lights recently, which is a pretty great show. It's largely great because it's a high school soap opera, which is pretty enjoyable in its own rite (who doesn't love living the drama of high school without the fear of having your acne seen?). The show is also great, however, because it is constantly dispenses well executed sports cliches. They are the same cliches that make you groan in so many awful movies, but when they are done correctly they leave you with a lump in your throat. That's probably because they get to the heart of sports. The rush of athleticism, sure, but also the respect a leader earns by steering his men through battle. The loyalty guys have to a cause (sorry to be so phalocentric), the unity and higher purpose of a team... you know, all that cliched shit.

There is, undoubtedly, a reason this show takes place in High School. People have a feeling that professional sports isn't like this anymore -- that with so many steroid scandals (what up beloved), decisions, salary deals, and felony charges it is hardly about the game, or at least not in the way that Friday Night Lights is. And while I think these conservative sports value types are somewhat historical revisionists, they may have some point. Malone certainly isn't and never has been a perfect man, to claim otherwise would be to willfully play up some values while ignoring some serious others (morals were great in the fifties, 'member?). But stories like this show you why he's great, what sports can offer, and a reason to care, even when you don't get LeBron.

Why it's great to be a Jazz fan pt. II

Karl Malone's induction into the hall of fame went swimmingly. He is not the most articulate person, but I have to agree with Free Darko and SLC Dunk that this speech was good in its inverse-Jordan way. Most of it was spent praising those who helped, not deriding those that stood in the way. Malone was always tough and always wanted to win, and it is nice to see that he also cares about adding something to the world instead of just beating it. Congratulations to Mr. Malone and his family for the great honor of induction into the Hall of Fame!

"If I would’ve had a beer before the game, I would’ve been drunk. So I don’t believe in ‘if.’”

In LeBronless news, Shaq is moving to Boston (and you can indeed bet that he is a vet, based on his veteran's minimum salary). Finally, two of my favorite pieces of professional basketball collide. Too bad they won't win, but still, at least Kobe can tell us something...

Scum of the slum? Not quite

The longer I obsess about this NBA offseason and the more time I waste at work reading article after article on LeBron James, the more ambivalent I feel about the situation. At first, I was bewildered by the Decision. I fought with two of my roommates about it, claiming that James had made a strange and large mistake. A player that I enjoyed who played for neither the Jazz nor the Celtics (certainly a rarity) lost a significant amount of the respect I had granted him. The story continued, however, and I became agitated by the hatred flung toward James. So many ESPN types criticized his ploy, but as a certain someone brilliant stated, this criticism was nonsense: if you want LeBron to be a ruthless winner, as many claimed after disappointing exits in consecutive playoffs, then he may have made the right decision (at least according to Vegas odds, so far). If on the other hand you wanted him to be loyal, then you should not have criticized him for losing the last two seasons. These arguments are very contradictory in nature and quite honestly got me all hot and bothered.

My opinion shifted as I took on the standard of defending James against the nay-sayers. I tried to argue that it was ignorant and invalid for us to project onto the sports star what we wanted him to be and that we should rather accept him for who he was. I believed (and still do) that he thought he was making the decision that would be best for his image (i.e. the decision that would please the ESPN culture). Tragically, he was completely wrong. I agree with Bill Simmons that this is a man who wants to amaze, and yet he couldn't have made a worse decision this offseason in that regard. This brings me to my third inconsistent narrative of James epoch.

After reading another clever blogger who I believe should write some elucidating posts in addition to his edifying comments, I have entered into a new abyss concerning James. Chris Paul seems (although it is difficult to say) to harbor some intentions of copying James to create a new super team. I agree that this, in the end, is bad for the league, and that LeBron precipitated it. What made the 90s great was the clash of the Utah Jazz and the Chicago Bulls. It was Jordan overcoming Thomas. The 80s presented us with Bird vs. Magic. LeBron has played an integral part in tarnishing this newest generation of basketball talent by opting out of the killer mentality, as unpleasant as I find that mentality to be. My ideal player is someone like Kevin Garnett: a nasty dude, hated by many, but fervently loved by fans and teammates. He literally put faces of opposing players from newspaper clippings on his mirror to later slash Xs through them off once he had beaten them. He does strike me at the same time as a good person, though, in a way that Kobe and Mike never have. Watch this if you don't believe me. LeBron strikes me as a good person too. I thought the comparison made between him and Magic Johnson was a great one. They both wanted to win, but they both were fundamentally nice people too. I currently think that this comparison is undeserved also, as is the one to MJ. I still believe that we shouldn't project our sporting wants and needs onto James and we should understand him for who he is. But that elusive who is beginning to look less and less appealing, at least on a basketball level. Is he the scum of the slum? I don't think so and I like to believe that ghost would agree with me. Is he Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, or one of the best, most inspiring players to play in the NBA? Not quite.

Why Being A Jazz Fan Can Be Really Great

Short Answer: The organization tends to find overlooked but tough athletes, gives them a chance to shine, and, by letting them play, does what sports is supposed to do, inspire.

Long Answer:

The Face of Evil

See that grainy, America's Most Wanted style picture? Good, now memorize it. If you ever see this man punch him in the gut. Spit in his face. He is all that is wrong with sports journalism. A shameless provacateur, a mock-outrage anger junkie. A man who writes highly opinionated, less than brilliant takedowns of the disgusting news media's fawning over LeBron and intersperses them with fawning bullshit coverage. This man is the enemy and I hate him with everything I'm worth. Either that or it's the most boring part of the year for followers of the NBA, post free agency excitement, post draft, pre warm up camps, and pre International Basketball contest that will determine which country has the best role players (all the stars are too busy to play at the FIBA 2010 World Championship, including the stars from other countries). In the absence of actual coverage, I propose we turn on each other. Why not? We've already turned on LeBron.

But some of us, Wojnarowski included, turned on LeBron way back when the season was still happening, well before the Decision, a remarkably stupid and respect burning event (in all eyes, but Miami's) in which LeBron announced his decision to leave Cleveland for tax free South Florida. While the decision was stupid and dropped the real LBJ's credibility (but not to a point he can't recover from), it does make sense if we follow the twisted path of one story line. This path was pursued by many fans, including self-proclaimed, "Hey I'm a fucking FAN, OK?" Bill Simmons. The story is that LeBron James doesn't care about winning (and he's probably un-American). Followers of this storyline insist that Jordan, Bird, and Magic all cared so much about winning, which is what makes them great, and that all LeBron cares about is dunks, which makes him less than great. It would seem beyond obvious that the aforementioned dudes played on teams that featured ridiculous talent and that LeBron didn't. Nonetheless, as these pricks have taken to the airwaves to proclaim that they would never, ever, do what LeBron did, I guess it needs to be pointed out. So here goes: Michael Jordan played with Scottie Pippin. Remember him? He took the Bulls to 50 plus wins and a barn-burning second round of the playoffs on his own. Jordan also had one of the best coaches, if not the best coach (but you should all know my opinion on the matter: he's not) in Phil Jackson. It wasn't Jordan who taught Rodman how to rebound. Indeed, Rodman had already logged 3 of the top 5 rebounding seasons of all time when he joined the Bulls. Not to mention the countless other All-Stars, 3 Point Contest Winners, all NBA defensive players, and all NBA team players who played with Jordan. I'm pretty sure Magic and Bird had similar, if not quite as many, gifts on their respective teams (Jabar, Riley, McHale, and Parish), but I wasn't paying very close attention to Basketball in the years before I was born. None of these guys were made good by Magic, Bird, or Jordan. They were already good. They may have been given the chance to shine on a bigger stage, maybe they were even made slightly better, but without the fad three, those teams were all very good.

Now, take the case of the Cavs. LeBron played with Mo Williams and Big Z. Very arguably, these two guys owe their status as having been All-Stars to his play. Similarly, fired coach Mike Brown, who won Coach of the year in 2009, almost certainly owed that to LeBron. And... that's pretty much it. The Cavs for the last two years were a 60 plus win team. If you want to measure LeBron against Michael Jordan you can measure how much each man's presence swung their team's abilities. When his airness returned, the Bulls gained 17 wins over the year he had been totally absent, and set the NBA record for the best season ever at 72-10. If the Cavs drop by less than this from their 66 ('08-'09), 61 ('09-'10, a season LeBron sat out the last half dozen games of) win heights, then we will have decisively proved Jordan better than LeBron. If they don't, however, I'm sure there will be some new excuse for the King's inferiority.

The point of this isn't that LeBron didn't break a lot of hearts and disgust a lot of people (me included) when he announced that he was going to Miami. The point is that if you were breathing down LeBron's neck in May for not wanting to win enough, for not being enough of a competitive asshole, then you should have cheered this new Miami team on. If, on the other hand, you hated him then and you hate him even more now (I'm looking at you Simmons, Wojnarowski), then I suspect that you were just looking for an excuse to tear him down. And that makes you a Michael Jordan level asshole, but with no chance of winning the NBA Finals.

Busta Rhymes Would Never...

Busta Rhymes would never join Wu-Tang to form an elite group. He would, instead, form his own elite group and beat them at their own game. Well, except for that one time he signed with Dr. Dre and did exactly that...



Or that earlier time.

Spielberg would never...

This just in: Michael Jordan wanted to BEAT Bird and Johnson, not join them. The silliest story in basketball gained momentum again as MJ claimed that he wouldn't have joined his rivals, but rather, he wanted only to defeat and humiliate them. First, let me point out that LeBron did not join Bird and Magic. Which one of these two is Chris Bosh (maybe the 4th or 5th best power forward in the league) supposed to be? Wade is one of the better players around today, but again, is neither Larry Bird nor Magic Johnson. Second, LeBron is not Michael. This is a false comparison and one that needs to end. The only things they share in common are the number 23 (...), playing in the midwest, and having the most enjoyable, pure athleticism of anyone around them. Other than that, they are different: LeBron is a nice person, Michael is not. Michael is incredibly competitive, LeBron is not. I could discuss how LeBron would never cheat on his wife the way MJ did, or the way that LeBron would never retire n times to play different sports, or that LeBron never had to push someone to make a humongous shot, but I won't (Cicero!). Instead, I'll point out how silly this all is. This is akin to criticising Spielberg for never directing movies in Japanese that take various Shakespearean works and place them in ancient, samurai-filled Japan. While true, it is completely irrelevant and takes away from the issue at hand. LeBron is not Jordan, Spielberg is not Akira, and Chris Bosh is not Gasol, let alone Larry Bird.