Eastern Conference Predictions

If I may have your attention, I'd like to predict some playoffs.

1. The Heat: Apparently the Heat signed LeBron James and Chris Bosh over the summer. As another esteemed member of this blogging clique pointed out, whichever team signed LeBron (and maybe Bosh) would immediately switch places with the Cavs in conference standing. We all thought that would be the Nets or the Knicks. But it turned out to be the team that paid Dwayne Wade. Every night this team plays will be half an All-Star game, but with defense. Oh, also, LeBron really does seem to be mad this year and ready to take it out on the court, which may mean he channels another couple of angry guys who are DESTROYING AMERICA.

2. The Magic: The Magic were the second best team in the East last year and (against a Garnettless Celtics) the year before, too. Nothing has really happened to change that. They play a very good, but flawed game of basketball. One that can topple most teams, but not the league's 2 or 3 elites. The key to beating the Magic in the past has been two-fold: having a center quick and powerful enough to defend Howard (very rare in this league), and having guys who can get lay-ups so quickly that Howard will have to get into foul trouble to defend them. No team that lacked either of these components ever really had a shot. This year looks to be interesting in that the Heat cannot tackle the first horn of this dilemma, but can demolish the second with the force of an A-bomb. I think that this will lead these two teams to go at each other in a barn-burning, shoot-out filled Eastern Conference Finals. With the Magic hitting many threes and Howard slamming home glass rattling dunks while the Heat respond with ridiculous plays of their own. The albatross of Howard's fouls will eventually drag the Magic down in 6 (unless the Groundhog sees his shadow, then all bets are off).

3. The Celtics: Do the Celtics still have it? That depends on what you mean by 'it.' They are still a force to be reckoned with and never counted out (much like the Spurs from '05-'08). But, also like those Spurs, they are aging rapidly. They still have the beautiful defensive discipline that championships are made of, but without any player who is able to really create out of thin air, they are overly susceptible to the ebb and flow of basketball momentum. That means that if they ever hit some tough spots, which they will, they're sunk. Still one of my favorite teams of recent times, but no longer the Kobe-slayers of my dreams.

4. The Bulls: Utah East. The core is back, plus the much improved Jazz pieces of Brewer, Korver, and, above all, Boozer. These guys plus Rose and Noah could make for quite an awesome team. Unfortunately for them, Boozer's erratic talent will desert them during one of the winter months and he will, in all likelihood, get injured off some bullshit. Which is why, quite quickly in the second round, papi will get hit.

5. The Bucks: With Bogut back and Jennings (hopefully) enjoying the growth that comes with one's second season, last year's surprisingly likable upstarts (read Thunder East) might go even farther this year.

6. The Hawks: This team never really impressed me much last year (Mavericks East, just kidding, but seriously, I could do this all day... for a price) and their off-season "moves" seem to have justified my lack of interest. In my humble opinion, they just Knickerbockered themselves, right in the pants. Making sure a ridiculously bloated contract is on your books for years into the future is one of the best ways to end up at the bottom of the East's playoff list, or as its also known, Kings East.

7. The Bobcats: Just like last year... but in the future! This team, which I don't know all too well, has good defensive buzz, plus they're in the East, which is the most important qualification a team needs to have in order to qualify for the Eastern Conference NBA Playoffs .

8. The Wizards: I'm going to go out on a gamble here and say that this Wall kid is going to be very good. Like finally shutting some people up about Derek Rose good. That, plus Arenas coming back and proving himself against the naysayers -- his will be the 100 watt bulb to LeBron James' sun, will make this team good enough to get on the bottom of this prestigious list. Mark these the Warriors East.

That is all.