The Who's Who of Christmas, part 2

And now, dear readers, that it is no longer Christmas, enjoy part 2 of our single sentence descriptors of NBA teams.

1. Dallas- One last title run before the grave.





















2. Denver- With Melo and lady Melo eyeing Brooklyn, all this team has to look forward to are the days when Chauncey becomes an assistant coach.





























3. Golden State- Granted, watching Curry and Ellis play is like watching NBA jam players who are on fire run around, but that doesn't explain why they have nearly as many nationally televised games as wins.






















4. Houston Rockets- Not even triple platinum advanced statistics can explain why Kevin Martin's wacky shot will always drop.

































5. Los Angeles (lesser)- Aminu? Bledsoe? Griffin? Is one of the most promising young groups enough to overcome two decades of late night comedy jokes and this guy?




















6. Los Angeles (greater)- I know I'm going out on a limb here, but I think these guys are a team to watch.









































7. Memphis- Just one Lakers trade away from really having something.






















8. Minnesota- One of sports' most fascinating stories in 2011 will be the boxing match between Kevin Love and Michael Beasley in one corner and David Kahn in another: the former will try to help a young team flourish while the latter tries to destroy it from the inside.



















9. New Orleans- A disappointing reversion to the mean for the hornets cannot bring Seattle's spirits down; NBA ownership is the best news since the drafting of Durant.




















10. Oklahoma City- These kids are alright.



















11. Phoenix- Making Carter and Gortat into All-Star players is nothing for the undying vampire-emperor Drac that you mortals know as Steve Nash.


































12. Portland- Second team should still make the playoffs, first team should beat all the other hospital patients in a game of pickup.
























13. Sacramento- My condolences to the Kings for the early death of Tyreke Evans; in lieu of flowers the team has asked that you send cash.





















14. San Antonio- Divorce, no Bowen, new players -- nothing can stop the unstoppable and I for one salute our new overlords.




























15. Utah- Comeback? We been here for mad years.

West Side to the East Side?

This is a bit of an obvious topic (the basketball world is not exactly on fire with news right now), but I think its one that's worthy of a little discussion time/maddeningly circular argumentation: namely, which nba conference -- the east or the west -- is currently posed to pop in the next, say, three to five years, foisting on the other conference the shame of having its fifth playoff seed ranked below the superior conference's ninth seed (or some similar embarrassment)? I think that there is a general folk feeling out there that the east's time in the sun is fast approaching. After all, last year saw the east capturing two of the three best records in the league (and that was with an injured Garnett), the emergence of the Cavaliers and LeBron's continued growth, the playoff birth of the Bulls and the Magic (or at least the birth of national media attention), and from what we've learned so far about trades and trade rumors several eastern teams (Boston, Miami, Orlando, Cavaliers?) are on the verge of building basketball machines with exactly the right fitting parts.

I'll give you the Celtics. As far as the Cavs go, I think the playoffs revealed their true colors. Mike Brown's coaching (which was, apparently, last year's best) seems to depend on LeBron playing one on five in every possession. The non LeBron squad melts away at the slightest hint of difficulty and the go to play, both in times of desperation and when the game's on the line, is to give LeBron the ball and have him run as fast as he can into anyone on defense. How Jordan like is that? Then there's the weakest flank of all, the Cavs' front office, who think that throwing an aging Shaq into the mix will save them (they weren't even beat by Dwight Howard, they were beat by threes, grrr). Moving on, you've got the Magic whose performance against the Lakers confirmed my longtime suspicion that they are no better than the Jazz of the east (perhaps worse). Ultimately they're just a team that got really hot in a couple of series (see also Warriors, '07). No one else from the east strikes me as worthy of mention (maybe we'll see what the Bulls do). Heat? Hawks? Sixers? Pistons? Wizards? They might as well all be the Knicks (see also Wariors, '09).

The west, on the other hand, has a ton of teams who are quite solid and suffered unpredictable injuries last year. Last year also witnessed the rise of the Blazers, the Rockets taking the Lakers to seven games while methodically shedding an all-star player a game, and Chauncey Billups exerting his calming influence on the Nuggets (without his presence this would be one of the above mentioned unmentionable east coast teams; even with his presence look how they fell apart in game 6). The West has the experience, the coaching, and the required Kobe blockers on each team. Though the Suns and Hornets may be falling apart, one gets the feeling that the Spurs and Rockets are so well run they'll be in the playoffs at least until the Nets move.

Its impossible to know what'll happen in the rest of the off season, let alone in three to five years. I probably haven't made my arguments with enough force and I've left a lot out. Nevertheless, I know in my heart of hearts that teams in the west know how to run basketball clubs and will always land on their feet. The fans demand it of them. In New York you can go to a broadway show, eat the food of any country, and dazzle yourself silly with any and every "entertainment" known to man. What is there to do in San Antonio, besides watch some ball? And when basketball is your only social outlet (as it is in many a western town) you better be ok.